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Happy Friday.

ART-O-MATIC is kicking off in SE this weekend. Check it out.

Anyway, here is a clip of some pre-Rollins Black Flag doing "American Waste," one of my favorite BF songs. Dez Cadena on vocals. ROBO on sticks, Chuck Dukowski on bass, and Greg Ginn (as always) on the hammer. This was shot in 1980 I assume, or 1981, right before Henry Rollins came out to SoCal from DC to sing for them. Classic.

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Feast the eyes.

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Need I remind you again? If you're anywhere near the northern part of the district, or the southern part of Maryland this Saturday...



Also, I'm featuring for Tig Notaro at the Arlington Drafthouse in the middle of June! More on that soon...

And because I promised you guys only the best in retrospect of our regrettable culture, I can't not smile watching this. So, you're welcome. Have a great weekend!

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ALEXANDER SEMIN

Semin, to prove the overused literary allusion, is the ultimate Jeckyl/Hyde player. He needs to clean up his act, no doubt, but he also has one of the top ten sets of hands in the NHL. Caps fans are shouting "trade!" completely ignoring the fact that he's exactly the kind of player who will torch us down the road if we let him go. 34 goals don't appear out of thin air. Terrible hooking penalties don't, either, so I understand the frustration. Also, he was hurt for a big chunk of this season, but could have hit 50 goals if he's been at 100% for the whole time. On one occasion, he took a bad tripping call in Ottawa, and the Senators scored on the power play with a couple minutes left to win the game. Blaming Semin for that loss over a lackluster defense who couldn't kill off a penalty to the lame Senators is a classic chicken/egg conundrum. Such is the trial of being a fan of OA (the Other Alex). It's easy to overlook the good because the bad moments REALLY stand out…

but between Semin's skill level and the two times he burned Timmy Thomas this year, I'll pass him with a

B+

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NICKLAS BACKSTROM

Haters, and even some lovers, will call you the Scottie Pippen to Ovechkin's Jordan. The Stockton to Malone. But that's not accurate. You're better at hockey than Pippen or Stockton ever were at basketball. You are unassuming, smart with the puck, have a goddamn set of eyes in the back of your head, and couldn't make a better spokesmodel for Pantene Pro-V during pregame warmups if you tried. You've got a 70-80 assist season awaiting you. You are the Caps' second best player and I love you. It's with honor that I give you a totally hetero

A+

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ALEXANDER OVECHKIN

I don't know what I can write here that hasn't already been written about the Great 8. He is a rock star, the scariest player in the NHL to have coming at you through center ice. Penguins fans (particularly the dickwads at Pensblog, excepting the classy 'Hooks Orpik') love to hate him because deep down, they wish Crosby was more like him. Sure, Cindy's got the skill and (to an extent) the leadership, but he's not going to try to leap over defensemen and risk his neck just to get a shot off. Ovie's electrified the game unlike any athlete has for any sport since, hell, Tiger Woods for golf, maybe even more so. I don't call Ovechkin the best professional athlete alive today for no reason. I arrived in DC right around the time that Alex did, and I started going to Caps games when the Verizon Center was barely half-full, eagerly showing any friends who'd join me this young guy, wearing the (at the time) golden #8. Now, they're all dying to see him, even the ones who don't know anything about hockey. This year was no exception, hammering home 110 points, falling short of Malkin's total, which he probably would have beaten if he hadn't missed 3 games (astronomical for him). I'll be very surprised if he logs a single season prior to the Caps winning a Cup performing less than the level of

A+

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BROOKS LAICH

Brooksy!! You are a PR person's dream, and sure as hell going to be a captain within a couple of seasons. You finally established yourself this year as a widely respected second-line scraper. Career highs in both goals and points are a fitting reward, almost as much as being mentioned in the same breath as your more hyped teammates Ovechkin, Green, etc. by some of ESPN's top hockey bloggers. You grew a lot this season, and give yourself a pat on the back for a well-earned

A-

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MATT BRADLEY

Matt! The professor! You are underrated to a fault. Sure, you can't skate incredibly well and your number's aren't all-star calibre, but you do a ton for this team. It seems like you always give your all, even in situations that don't play into your hands. You also, very importantly, have no problem dropping the gloves, getting your nose bashed in, stuffing your nose with gauze, and playing like it ain't anything. Bonus points for your fucking awesome shortie against LOOOONDKVEEST and the Rags during game 5 this year.

B+

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MICHAEL NYLANDER

I'm not pinning McPhee's lack of mobility at the trade deadline completely on you, but I'd be lying if I said you weren't a major disappointment. You had about as many good games this year (victory in Joisey being one) as I could count on my fingers, and even your passing, which is probably your strongest suit, didn't click with Boudreau's system, nor many of your teammates'. Sorry, you've had a fine career, but this team needs more from you than you've brought it, so

D+

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DAVE STECKEL

You are finally getting noticed, which is good, since defensive forwards tend to be overlooked in the name of goals, assists, and ridiculous body checks. Despite getting shafted for playing time at points this season, you know how to best use your talent, creating shorthanded chances (a couple of which you capitalized on…your SHG against Nashville fell on the first game I went to this season) and adding a physical dimension up front. The Humane Society should put a watch on you, Stecks, ‘cause you’re the PENGUIN KILLA. Keep doing that, and you’ll produce more points during the regular season next year, and take to heart your

B+

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SERGEI FEDOROV

You’re like the old dog in that movie ‘Homeward Bound’ who everyone knows is going to be the unlikely hero. Every time I mention you to one of my friends who isn’t a big hockey fan, they always reply, “He’s still playing!?” Indeed, the 90’s, and your Stanley Cups, were a long time ago, but we can’t forget all the experience you bring to the team, and how much of an x-factor that is when it comes down to crunch time. You were on the DL a bunch again this year, which wasn’t a huge surprise, but you’ve still got a great set of wheels and no one wants to mess with you. Your commitment to the Capitals as the first team you’ve actually fit in with since the Red Wings of yore is what really wins the fans over, and your lackluster point totals this year aside, those points were pretty timely, so how about a

B

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CHRIS CLARK

Everyone loves you, but that doesn’t mean you still need to wear the ‘C.’ When you’re around, the team has a respected leader and a hard-nosed forward, but when you break like glass it’s only handicapping (figuratively) the organization. It was nice to see you back at the end of round one in the playoffs, I was afraid you’d miss out again. It sucks because you’re only 32 but your 30-goal years seem like the distant past. Six points in 32 games this year, despite the whole ‘leadership’ thing still isn’t justifiable.

D+

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DONALD BRASHEAR

I can’t think of a single player whose charm more overshadows his (mis)conduct on the ice. You’re an incredibly good guy and a big cog of a good environment. Nevermind that you’re getting even slower with age (not that you were ever stealthy or anything). But, you did your job, as often as you got in trouble. I can’t remember you being decisively defeated in fisticuffs this year (especially that time you beat the shit out of Riley Cote, twice in one game!), so that, combined with your awkward goal and a couple of awkward assists gets you a

C-

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TOMAS FLEISCHMANN

One of the league’s more underrated ginger forwards, you were on a tear for one part of this season, but kinda fell off the map, and didn’t show up as much in the playoffs, short of one GWG against the Pens. I was seriously expecting 30 goals from you, but there’s always next year.

B-

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VIKTOR KOZLOV

Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…

B

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BOYD GORDON

You do your job quietly, I suppose. 5-9-14, -4 in 63 games isn’t that great of a line for a penalty killer, but you still had some good moments. The checking line of you, Bradley, and Brash was outstanding for pockets of this season, which I harped about on this site before. But you’re easily replaced with Steckel, as you were often in the playoffs. I don’t know…uh……

C

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ERIC FEHR

Another player who Fleischmann’d. Actually, it’d be more economical to say that Tomas Fehr’d. A big tear at a point or two this season, then faded and didn’t have nearly the impact toward the end of the season as we would have liked. Where is this elusive 50-goal season so many scouts promised us? Weren’t you the WHL scoring master, with something like 109 goals in two seasons with that weird-ass team in Manitoba? If it brings a 30-goal, healthy season out of you if we keep bringing that up, then so be it. If you played 80+ games then you grade would be much higher than a

C+

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I hope you've all enjoyed this. Now it's time to go back to nerding out about music and regrettable culture from the 90's. Check this out on Saturday in Silver Spring!!

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I have a bunch of work I should be doing, but in the interest of keeping this going, here are my grades for the Three Horsemen of this (now-great) organization...

BRUCE BOUDREAU

Oh, wow, it’s you! The guy from 'Slap Shot'! What was it like to be in a movie with Paul Newman!? That must have been so crazy. You know what’s even crazier? Being the sole reason that so many NHL coaches have lost their job in the past season and a half. If it weren’t for you, GM’s around the league wouldn’t have had the crazy idea that they could turn a basement-dwelling team into a division champ just by firing their deadweight bench boss. Turns out, that isn’t quite true. You’re just an outstanding coach, not to mention one of the goofiest looking and most hilariously bad commercial spokespeople that the district area has ever seen.



At any rate, I couldn’t imagine this current Caps team without you. You did make some bad decisions this year, including not benching certain players when they were practically asking for it (Semin) and benching players when they should have been out there (Alzner, Brashear). However, due to being a scheming tactician, you gave your talented players the palette they needed to due stuff like this:


Well, played, husky man, well played.

A-

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TED LEONSIS

You remind us how important it is for the owner to invest all of his heart (and a crap-ton of his money) in his team in order for it to be successful. Snagfilms also gives me plenty of interesting documentaries to watch for free on slow days at work, but that has nothing to do with this season. (Well, maybe, but not really in this case). As testimonials from both local and national press would indicate, you keep outdoing yourself in putting yourself out there, and letting your subjects work their magic. I loved watching you grab Dan Steinberg of the DC Sports Bog after a shootout victory over the ‘Canes to tell him about a homeless man who watched the games on the big screen on 7th St, and how arrangements were made to get the guy into the stands! You’ve got your hand in a lot, but you’re setting a great example, so

A-

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GEORGE MCPHEE

In March of 2008, you were a magician. This year, you were wise but still pretty ineffective. Everyone was so focused on your Hobey Baker Award, being as how DC hosted the NCAA final four this year (Congrats, BU, btw). Anyway, you won that Baker award back in 1982. In 2008, you got us into the playoffs by bringing in Cristobal Huet, Matt Cooke, and Sergei Fedorov. This year, Fedorov got us into the second round of the playoffs and (kinda) dear, departed Matt Cooke helped keep us out of the third round. You clearly understand how fickle the pro sports world is, so it was good that you didn’t mortgage our future by trading away Karl Alzner, John Carlson, Simeon Varlamov, or anyone else I’m sure you got offers for. I wouldn’t be surprised if your office resembled a scene from the West Wing on the trade deadline day. I guess only time will tell how good you truly were this year, but for now, facing simple facts, we needed better defense, and you didn’t deliver. Plus, you signed a 'meh' goaltender for a run-n-gun team, so let’s settle on a

C+

Sorry that I didn't go through a link every thing I probably should have, but I have to run for now. I'll get some of the forwards up tomorrow or Wednesday, pinky swear. To spice up this entry, I just found out that Pete Doherty and Carl Barat (how do you do those French pronunciation accents on this, anyway?) have buried the hatchet and played together as the Libertines for the first time in forever this weekend. If you haven't heard this before, then you suck. Click the play arrow and alter that.

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Welcome back. Scroll down to the next entry to read what I had to say about the Capitals goaltending situation this season. Here is part two of the journey:

THE DEFENSEMEN

JOHN ERSKINE

Until the playoffs this year, I never understood the organization’s love affair with you. Last year during the playoffs, and for most of this season, you were a liability on wheels. Also, you have a booming slapper but didn’t log a single goal this year. I’ll never understand why it took you until the playoffs this year to become a go-to guy on the Caps’ blue line, and even then you were still letting Crosby stand around in front of our net (where all but one of his goals came from). Since this is about the overall season, I’ll factor that into your big colander of uninspired but physical play.

C

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MIKE GREEN

What a frustrating season for you! Well, relatively, right? Chris Pronger screwed up your shoulder big time and you had to sit out 14 games, which made you go crazy. Then Little Steven van Stamkos twisted you up again right in time for you to underperform in the playoffs. Sad, since, you kind of did a few things well this year... Like score goals in 8 confuckingsecutive games, earn a Norris nomination, and accumulate 73 points! Nobody in the universe doubt you’re the best offensive defenseman in hockey right now, which speaks volumes of Boudreau’s personal coaching touch, and your development into straight-up beastitude. Work a tad on breaking up plays and clearing the goddamn puck and you’ll be better than Pronger. This is a hard-earned

A

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BRIAN POTHIER

Potsy! When you returned from your long, long, layoff from the concussion, we were all a little nervous. But over the course of the last month of the season, you calmed our nerves, bringing a little poise back to the Caps blue line. Your dedication to hockey and your teammates are unparalleled for a guy on your page, and honestly, when I saw you chasing after a puck with opposing players in pursuit, you were the only defender who I knew wasn’t going to do anything stupid to turn it over. That’s saying a lot for this Caps team, so you get a shiny

B+

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JEFF SCHULTZ

Japer’s Rink did a great, well-thought-out treatise on how you don’t suck and how you're going to improve, but let’s go to the tape re: this past season/postseason:

I know Brandon Dubinsky’s a good player, but really? You really need to prove yourself again, big-ass time, and I don’t really know how you ever will being as how the Caps have more defenseman than I could count on one hand coming up through their system that are better than you (Alzner, Carlson, Finley, Lepisto, Sloan...). Also, you’re 6’6” and I can’t remember a single bone-crunching hit that you delivered this year. Sorry if you had a couple, but I must have been out taking a whiz and it didn’t counteract the two or three goals the other team scored that you were somehow responsible for. You finished +13 because you played with Mike Green (who was drafted two spots behind you in ’04, ironically), so you deserve credit for giving sports writers a nifty little rhyme. There isn’t much else you deserve credit for, so

D-

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MILAN JURCINA

Not a bad year, Juice. There are a few glaring, late-period goals you were responsible for, but you did a good job setting a physical example this year. Also, you were the only blueliner not named Mike Green who had a consistently can’t-fuck-wit slapshot. You also made it through most of the season unscratched (only 3 games out). I don’t have much more detail to go into, which is a good thing for a defender.

B-

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SHAOAONNE MORRRRISSSOONNNN
Sho-mo. Not terrible, not great. You’re one of the least intimidating defenseman in the NHL (see the dumb smile in the photo above), which isn’t a bad thing since appearances can be deceiving. But then again, 3-10-13 and a +4 aren’t bad, but it seems like a majority of your 77 penalty minutes on the season were at the worst times possible. Usually with other Caps in the box. Your teammates bailed you out big time when you drew a 5-minute major against the Panthers that time…how much time was left in the game? Oh right: 5 minutes! You definitely have a flair for the dramatic. You’re like the John Wetteland of this team (you guys remember him? Yankees closer in 1996, before Rivera took over? Would usually load the bases before getting the final out? No? Well it’s the first thing I thought of). Anyway, youu gett a

CC+

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TOM POTI

Prooobably our best defensive defenseman? Maybe? I don’t know. You’ve got the rugged veteran thing officially going now. Considering how much they booed you at MSG, it seems like you’ve established yourself pretty well at this point of your career. Your scoring line 3-10-13 is the same as Morrisonn’s but you played in only 52 games this year due to injury. I’m grateful you gave guys like Alzner time up in the big league, but it was pretty nice seeing you back when you were ok. Here’s your

B

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TYLER SLOAN

You’re in your late 20’s and still languishing in the AHL, which is tough, we all know, but you did a fine job in relief for the embattled defensemen this year whenever you were around. It was awesome seeing you get a point in the game 2 victory against the Penguins on that well-placed shot that led to that Steckel goal. No major complaints here, other than you didn’t wow Boudreau enough to stay in DC, but management’s decision making was a bit questionable this year. I’m sure you’d settle for

B-

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KARL ALZNER

[Switch to third person]. Speaking of questionable management decisions… I’ve been very adamant in my support for King Karl. He, along with Michal Neuvirth, had an immediate posse upon arriving at the Verizon Center for their respective first games. And when I got the chance to interview him after a couple games into his career, I could understand why. He’s smart, personable, and unquestionably the future of this franchise, most likely even a Captain. The salary cap issue was clearly a major obstacle in George McPhee being able to keep him up at the major league level, and his play did get a bit shaky toward the end of his tenure once Poti returned from injury. But it gives a Cap fan peace (piece?) of mind knowing that this guy is right on the fringes of the club and will probably be there next year. I wanted to write McPhee a thank you note for not trading him away at the deadline this year, because you know he got tons of offers for him. BC represent:

B+

[tws]

Aaaand my life returns to normal now. Last night's game will probably sting for a while, but that's life. That's what "next season" was invented for, and the Caps are going to be a great team for a long time. I only pray that this doesn't turn into what the baseball playoffs did in 2003, when it could have been Red Sox vs. Cubs in the world series (what EVERYONE wanted to see). Instead, it was Yankees-Marlins (what NOBODY wanted to see). That could probably happen again this year if it's Wings-Pens again, as opposed to, say, Bruins-Hawks. Keeping in mind what eventually happened in 2004 with the Red Sox, I'm going to choose to have a bright outlook for the future and smile thinking about how, despite appearances to the contrary, many of the Pens fans are decent human beings who love hockey and hate Ovechkin as much as we all hate Crosby. Because, like Crosby, he's REALLY, REALLY GOOD and doesn't play for us ("us" meaning "them"). The Penguins are a great team, as much as I hate to admit it, but I'm still hoping that the BruiCanes beat the crap out of them in the ECF. I do admire Crosby a little bit more now that I've seen him in action for seven straight games. If our defense hadn't let him camp out in front of our net dozens of times a game, the complexion of the series would have been different. I think most people would agree that if we had to make the analogy, Sid is Bird and Ovie is Magic, and this series propelled hockey to heights in the US to compensate for Gary Bettman's terrible George Constanza/Woody Allen-esque governance of the league.

Anyway, because I'm a massive nerd, here you are, hockey fans:

TDC's REPORT CARD FOR THE 2008-2009 WASHINGTON CAPITALS

"HEY, AT LEAST WE'RE NOT THE SHARKS, AM I RIGHT, PEOPLE?!"

Just a note, I really want your feedback! Hit me at tyler at tdcpresents dot com. If you've actually got anything valuable to say, I'll put it up here!

Today, let's start off with the much (and somewhat unfairly maligned) GOALTENDERS

Jose Theodore

Funny story, Jose, I’ll never forget my freshman year at Syracuse, when you won the Hart with Montreal. The Bruins, who I was still a fan of at the time, faced the Habs in the first round. Joe Thornton & Co. unleashed a torrent of shots at you and you shut the B’s down with superhuman skill. I went back to my AIM status and wrote “FUCK JOSE THEODORE!” But let’s not drag the past into this. You had some great games this season, particularly that time you stoned all 3 of Philly’s biggest scorers in the shootout at the Phone Booth. But a couple of fleeting memories of an otherwise mediocre season don’t justify your lofty two-year contract, which McPhee signed you to knowing we’d be in the playoffs with high expectations these two years. ESPN person: “Do you think that Jose Theodore is good enough to bring the Capitals deep into the postseason?” Matthew Barnaby: “…No.” You made Matt Barnaby take a firm stance on something! That says a lot, and you get a

C-

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BRENT JOHNSON

Honestly, at one point, I was willing to stick my neck out for you, saying “That’s their number one guy!” Hell, even the NHL did, too, making you a player of the week back when Theo was hurt early in the season. But for the clusters of great games you had, you still let in too many “HUNH??” goals to move up from the coveted ‘backup’ position. I still think you’re a great backup, and wouldn’t mind having you around for a few more years to support the next guy I’m grading. For you,

C+

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SIMEON VARLAMOV

I’m so glad you don’t speak English, Varly. It would be so demoralizing to see how many people, including Caps “fans” who are jumping down your throat for game 7 against the Pens. Listen, you douchebags, we could have had Dominik Hasek or Mike Richter in net and it wouldn’t have mattered, when you’re outshot every game for a seven-game series, something’s gonna give, especially if management didn’t give you a chance to get attuned to things during the regular season. Plus, the Rangers pulled Henrik Lundqvist- twice- during their series with the Caps and nobody’s going to call him “not NHL worthy.” I’ve been cheering for Varlamov since he shut down the Canadiens…in Montreal…on Hockey Night in Canada…on his NHL debut. And this was the Canadiens before their whole late-season meltdown, coaching change (Bob Gainey can kiss our ass, btw). But, as was the Boudreau-McPhee style this year, they stood rigidly behind their mediocre “veterans” and didn’t give you and others like you a chance, until they had to, in the playoffs, and you…kicked…ass.

A-

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Michal Neuvirth

I like this kid. He seems pretty skilled, had a good few games backstopping the Caps while everyone was hurt, including Varly in Hershey. He’s got a couple more seasons to develop, obviously, but who knows, he could be the guy who backstops the Caps to their Stanley Cup if something gives with Simeon. Too early to tell, but based on the fact that, unlike the Washington Capitals now, he just beat the [Scranton] Penguins, I’ll slide him a

B

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Brett Leonhardt

What a story you made this year, my man! Your NHL career lasted ten hot minutes against the Sens this year, and STOPPED EVERY SINGLE SHOT YOU SAW, making for a Save% of 1000 (or N/A, according to those stat Nazis). Not only that, but you’re 6’7” a great guy, and through the videos you produced on the Caps website you exposed thousands and thousands of hockey fans to this, as opposed to the usual requisite crap like this and this. Because I’m putting you on here as a lark, I’ll give you a Christmas Story-style

A++++++++

Now get up and carry Ralphie triumphantly around the classroom.

COMING NEXT: THE D-MEN

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awe-some [AW-suh m]

1. inspiring awe.
2. showing or characterized by awe.
3. Slang very impressive.
4. the following picture.

Game seven on Wednesday. I've sort of said this before (about two weeks ago, I think), but no matter who wins, it's going to be a ridiculous game and I couldn't be prouder to be a Caps fan, or more exciting to be living in DC right now.

[tws]

They're very funny. Directed and starred in by Seaton; I show up in one, along with a bunch of other DC comedy people. Have a great weekend, everyone!



EPISODE 2


EPISODE 3

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I hate making playoff predictions, especially NHL ones, and ESPECIALLY when my team is in it to win it. The Caps fought hard and won the first two games of the series, and they're going to stay relentless and show these flightless jokers no mercy. Game 3, in Pittsburgh, is going down tonight, and Chris Kuntz (sic) had better watch his back.

That's all I'm saying. I give you all, thanks to DC Sports Bog, the world's cutest heckler:



I don't know if you guys are as concerned about Marc-Andre Fleury as I am. I'm not talking about his quality of play. He was great in the playoffs last year, hopefully much less so for the remaining 2 (or so) games of this series against the Caps. But, that all pales next to the simple fact that he has enormous f*cking teeth.



I guess Crest Whitening strips are big up in Quebec. If he doesn't make it to the Hockey Hall of Fame, perhaps he can earn a spot on the gigantic teeth hall of fame. Right here.

DAVE GROHL, and his everlong front teeth.


GEORGE THOROGOOD, and his Destroyers


BRADFORD COX, waifish Deerhunter singer whose teeth outgrew him

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I don't have a whole lot of time to write now, but in a big piece of news for the site, I've finally added a catalog to the "Filmography" page. It's not complete but most of the major recent projects are up there and on sale via Paypal, postage paid and all that. Hope you're all having a great Monday.