Today someone asked me “What is Scientography?” And it’s a good question, but that’s the thing, isn’t it? Often times the words we want most to define are the ones that don’t appear in the Oxford English Dictionary, even the unabridged edition. It’s a bit like asking, “What is the rain? And is the rain anything like Scientology?” Well let me clear something up here once and for all. The Church of Scientology is a dangerous, brainwashing cult. The Cult of Scientography©®™, on the other hand, is an ancient religion that has only recently passed into our dimension’s consciousness through revelations that took place on the now famous couch of Saint Chesterfield. It was there on the Hagia Sofa that I, as the Founder/Pope of Scientography received my mission to bring to the people of earth the enigmatic yet incontrovertible fact, nay, factotum that is Scientography. Below I will endeavor to answer five of the most common questions that I have encountered while traveling the globe delivering speeches as a part of my lecture series “Spread The Good Wor(l)d: Scientography Ahoy!”

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Where does the name come from? Is it a ‘Smoosh?’

Frequently I am asked whether the word Scientography is a ‘smoosh.’ Far less frequently I am asked whether it is a portmanteaux, (French for ‘smoosh’). Does it mean “scientific pornography?” they ask? “Scientific Choreography?” “Scientastic Holography?” The answer is that Scientography can mean all these things and more, depending on who is doing the asking. After all, when two Christians speak of god and one of them argues he is a white man in a flowing robe, and the other says no, in fact he is a white man in a flowing robe with a long fluffy beard, which one of them is right? The answer is of course the second one. My point is that Scientography is far more malleable than this on a whole.   

Scientography, an ancient alien word literally meaning "Scientography" was translated from Greek into Latin back into Greek and finally into English and is currently at the heart of a religious reawakening amongst the enlightened people of America, Europe, and several small territories, most notably having been named the national religion of Guam. 

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How does Scientography differ from other religions? 

The Cult of Scientography differs in a range of ways from most traditional religions. The three most obvious ones are enumerated below:

1. Most religions think people of faiths other than their own are wrong; in Scientography, on the other hand, we believe that they’re joking.
2. Scientography holds that Jesus was a real person, and that he was 5 foot 11. Islam, by contrast, also holds that Jesus was real, but they believe he was 5 foot 8, which as you can clearly tell is a difference of 3 inches.
3. What other religion features a yearly clambake? I defy you to name me one (not including Shintoism). 

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When a Scientographer dies, where does he or she go? 

Details are still being revealed regarding where it is exactly that we go when we die, at the present it can be said that wherever it is, it is most certainly not Detroit.  

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Who are some of the prominent religious figures of the Cult of Scientography? 

There are several significant figures in Scientography lore. A few of them include:

• Me, the Founder/Pope
• Saint Bristopher, the patron saint of patron saints
• Saint Youtube.com, the patron saint of information dissemination/disinformation insemination.
• The aforementioned Saint Chesterfield, the patron saint of lumbar support.

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Do Scientographers obey the 10 Commandments? If not, what are your core beliefs? 

Scientography does not follow the 10 commandments as such, though there is a strong feeling that at least three of them are “a pretty good idea” -- which three is still under debate. 

Generally we’re a much more hands off religion, but in a compassionate way, we like to think of ourselves as “laissez care™.” We do have our own set of rules, but they’re not written in stone; they’re written in cheese. Every year we take a wheel of high-grade Parmesan and inscribe in them the 10 rules we believe to be most core to our worldview, we call them The Ten Suggestions™. Next to the wheel we then place a bottle of balsamic vinegar, a cheese knife, and a box of toothpicks. Over the course of the year, those which people consider sacred enough to not eat are carried over to the next year. Those that are eaten are still considered to be important, but on the whole they are more delicious than holy (hence the name ‘The Delicious Fallen™’). For us, it’s a way of maintaining not only a religion that is up to date, but also one that goes well with wine. 

Although I cannot divulge all of the Suggestions to non-Scientographers (although for more information you can subscribe to our biennial publication National Scientographic), I can say that The Delicious Fallen this year includes the following: 

1. Thou shalt not steal First Base. (Deemed unnecessary).
2. Thou shalt have no American Idols before me. Also please smite one Ryan Seacrest.  (Nice sentiment, but a bit too ‘old school’)
3. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s neighbor, as thou livest on a small street and thy neighbor’s neighbor is thyself. (Not universal enough).
4. Remember the Swiss Cheese and keep it holey (this was the first one to go, as it was considered by most to be blasphemous and also “a bit too cute.”)

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You lied about the number of questions you would be answering. Given that, why should I believe anything you have to say? 

This is a good question, however it is misinformed. Question 3 was actually answered by Saint Bristopher, making this the fifth question answered, as promised. As for why you should believe me, it is difficult to explain to a non-believer the depths of the truths expressed through the words of Scientography, but I will say that if you study enough Quantum Mechanics you will see that the nature of consciousness is where conventional science leaves off and true spirituality begins to deconstruct itself; to put it another way, your question asks only the why of the universe, but Scientography provides answers as to the how. If that does not convince you then I suggest you contact me at Scientography@gmail.com with any lingering questions you may have -- we can also begin scheduling an appointment for your further indoctrination/analysis with one of our patented F-Footer Readers™.  
 

Thank you so much for your interest in the life, love, and miracles everlasting provided to you through Scientography at minimal cost, 

Sincerely,  

Pope Blackstar

[tws]

I've been sitting on this piece of information all weekend, but I figured I may as well issue an official statement about it here since I didn't want anything inaccurate to get around, especially considering I don't even know most of the details surrounding it.

The Laughing Lizard is closed. As far as I know right now, the doors to both the bar, lounge, and the Stage Door Deli are already closed and the lights have been out for about a week. I don't want to bury it in the case of the remote possibility that it reopens temporarily after some smoke clears, but as far as I know, Saturday the 9th was the last Laughing Lizard Comedy Night. 

It sucks, and it hits me the hardest, considering how consistently great the shows were, how much that place taught me how to be a good comic, and how supportive and wonderful the LL staff always were to us in our nearly two years there.

Given that any details about its rapid closing are cloudy, the closest thing I have from the source from Mary, a bartender and longtime patron who wrote on her myspace:

"The crazy thing is that [the reason for the closing is] nothing that you could ever guess. There was nothing that any of us could have done. In the end it was out of our hands. It's not fair but I learned a lot. I learned that there are people out there that just have nothing in their hearts, who will stop at nothing to hurt someone or something only for their own selfish reasons. There are people out there that have never lived life any other way - and they don't even realize what they're doing. They will never know what they took away from the streets of Old Town."

Yeah, the world can suck sometimes. But, these things happen, and I guess reality just caught up with a place that for a while seemed to good to be true! I don't really know what's going to happen to the place. If it was sold, someone else may reopen it, remodel a bit, and best-case scenario, keep letting shows happen there, eventually. If it becomes a Caribou Coffee or gets torn down, then probably not. At any rate, there are no more shows there until further notice. I'll keep posting any confirmed information here as I find anything out. Have a great week, everyone!


Jimes closes out the third LL comedy showcase while I look on (5/20/06)