I owe this entry to TDC legend Alex, who introduced me and other TDC vet Ted H. to this on Thanksgiving. It's the kind of
thing that reminds us why we have to be thankful for YouTube, first of all. Given my intense distaste for any and all copyright
laws (outside of plagiarism prevention), I needed to share this piece of 1992 (?) propaganda with any of you who have no hopped
on board this train yet. I'm also going to end this entry with a preposition, just to warn you.
Here's what really struck me about this.
I can't think of any cwhoreporate propagandists who were this talented as MC Double Def DP. I mean, M.E. Hart doesn't have
Kool Moe Dee's flow or Michael Jackson's moves, but this guy could have still been something!
When you see that goofy-looking dude with the permullet and Styxstache start talking, don't you just picture the MC dancing
in the background, eagerly awaiting his return to front-and-center? Here's a transcript of his rap, in case you need to follow along for some reason.
Bonus points, though, for the obvious jungle-fever tension that was building between the cool kids who got to use their school's
one computer to play spaceship-destroying games. Upon a little Wikipedia'ing, I discovered that this was filmed at Cardozo
High School right here in DC. So, yeah, one computer, probably.
I have to hand it to the stylin' teens for not freaking
out in this scenario. I remember growing up in the early 90's. It was a time of high originality and exciting ideas. Anything
seemed possible. The only thing that you could be pretty sure of was the fact that a black man was never going to spontaneously
appear on your computer monitor and rap about the dangers of the floppy disk you just inserted.
...so why the hell am I posting this on my website near the end of 2006, about eight years after the fact? Isn't the TDC website
supposed to be a sacred messenger of my stand-up shows, archive of the extensively watchable TDC Productions work, and capsule
of counter-cultural rants and other such musings?
Well, yes and no. This past Friday night was my five-year high school reunion, and instead of going into a spiel about the
fundamental absurdity of even having a five-year reunion (no one had really changed... I have a beard now, one girl has appeared
in Playboy, a number of people have furthered their love of alcohol and apparent physical inactivity, but that's about the
extent of it). One legendary character who, unfortunately but unsurprisingly was not present was one Thomas Thurston Yelmini.
Between the Thanksgiving Holiday with Alex, and the opportunity to see my old friend Benjamin "Jarl" Kowalsky for the first
time in about five years, the Tom Aptitude Test came up twice in the span of those two days. For that reason, and for the
reason that its probably the most ingenius thing that anyone from my graduating class ever wrote, I dug it up and I'm reposting
it now for your reading pleasure. I hope you find this enriching.
THE T.A.T. (TOM APTITUDE TEST)
by Thomas Thurston Yelmini & Nick "NickAllen" Allen
1. What is your name? a) Billy
b) John
c) Tobias
d) Around here, people call me "bitch"
2. What do you like to eat? a) Pizza
b) Dogs
c) Rubber
d) Toes
3. What are you interested in? a) Sports
b) Sex
c) Dogs
d) Sex with dogs
4. What do you listen to? a) Rap
b) Country
c) Old people having sex
d) Hot dogs in the oven
5. Do you have any kids?
a) Yes 1
b) 2-24
c) I am a sex machine, 25
6. What do you keep in your bed?
a)Teddy Bear
b) Blow-up doll
c) Women
d) Booze
7. What kind of car do you drive?
a)Ice Cream Truck
b)Buggie or other gaymobile
c) A bitchin' cardboard box
d) The original Model-T
8. For what reason do you go to McDonald's?
a) To look at the chicks b) To look at men bending over c) To eat lots of Chicken McNuggetts d) To find out who
the hell said "McDonalds"
9. If your best friend told you he was gay, you would... a) Punch him in the stomach and run away in tears b) Say
"Me Too" c)Smile and finish your economy-size bag of cheetos d) Ask where babies come from
10. What kind of shoes do you wear? a) Kick-ass Nikes b) Womens' shoes c) Cardboard boxes because my feet are
too fat to fit in regular shoes. d) What the hell are shoes?
11. Do you have any armpit hair?
a) Why, yes
b) I'm too fat to check.
c) Yes, I have some Matchbox racing cars!
d) I'm lunchlady Butch and I'm the hairiest son of a bitch on Earth!
12. What is your favorite TV program?
a) HBO Real Sex night
b) The channel where men exercize half-naked
c) The cooking channel
d) The cartoon network
13. If somebody offered you a cigarette, you would...
a) say "No way, man!" b) Just stand there, looking at his tight ass
c) Wait for your burrito to finish cooking d) Take the cigarette and shove it in your ear
14. When you meet a girl, what do you want to know? a)Her measurements b) Eww girls c)What food she has in
her fridge. d) Nothing, you just scream, "Make me dinner, bitch!!"
15. What kind of job do you have? a) Oh, a job, eh? b) Unemployed c) Teacher d) I fart in cans and paint
them green
16. What is the worst insult you have ever come up with? a) "You're a schmow burger with cheese!" b) "Penis face!"
c) I'm always too stunned after being insulted, so I just run away screaming like a little girl.
17. Where do you go to "take a load off?" a) the local speak easy b)Stop & Shop c) The bathroom
18. If you were to rename America, what would you call it? a) Assland b) Stop & Shop c) Miso Supei
19. If you saw a child being hit by his parents, you would... a) Call 711 and order a slushie b)Call 911 and order
a slushie c)Join in and hit the friggin kid d)Sit there and finish the steak and cheese sandwich you purchased for
$1.85
20. What do you think about old folks' homes these days? a) They're grrrreat b) I think that that brand of beer
tastes great! c) They're OK...I suppose d) Don't ask me...I'm just a girl! Tee hee hee!
21. What is the first thing you do at the dentist's office? a) Read a magazine b) say "a hoy hoy" to the receptionist
c)Take a crap on the reception desk d)Unscrew your head and shoot hoops with it.
I don't think Tom and Nick ever made an answer key. Or sense. Here's to nonsensical throwbacks that owe increasingly much
to The Simpsons as they go.
Well, yes and no. This past Friday night was my five-year high school reunion, and instead of going into a spiel about the
fundamental absurdity of even having a five-year reunion (no one had really changed... I have a beard now, one girl has appeared
in Playboy, a number of people have furthered their love of alcohol and apparent physical inactivity, but that's about the
extent of it). One legendary character who, unfortunately but unsurprisingly was not present was one Thomas Thurston Yelmini.
Between the Thanksgiving Holiday with Alex, and the opportunity to see my old friend Benjamin "Jarl" Kowalsky for the first
time in about five years, the Tom Aptitude Test came up twice in the span of those two days. For that reason, and for the
reason that its probably the most ingenius thing that anyone from my graduating class ever wrote, I dug it up and I'm reposting
it now for your reading pleasure. I hope you find this enriching.
