[transmission from... Tyler S]

Our civilization is at a crux. Never before in history have so few individuals controlled such a vast array of lives, and neither have we faced nearly enough to prepare ourselves for what lies ahead in the next few years. What brought us to this impasse of history, technology, and our own excesses confronting us on such a grand scale? Allow me to delve into (and explain) one of the key factors in our current situation as a species and proactive race of beings: those quirky moustaches that baseball players used to have back in the late 80’s and early 1990’s.

Seriously, what was up with that? Did they think that by wrapping their upper lips with hair they appeared older and therefore above criticism by the baseball media? “Jody Reed made 23 errors in the last two weeks, but hey, man, Journey’s coming to town, and this guy, being the hotshot that he is, has box seats and a lot more on his mind than baseball.” (See Exhibit A, right.) I'm sure his unforgettable teammates Luis Rivera, Carlos Quintana, and hell, Tom Brunansky were jealous. I think Bruno rocked a killer 'stache at that time, too. Mike Greenwell, too, though I think he softened it into a goatee often enough.

Let’s take a gander at one of the finer pitchers of the past twenty years. Greg Maddox made a name, even legend, for himself, winning more than 300 games, 4 Cy Motherfucking Young Awards, and nailing more than 3000 strikeouts, but who could forget the young Dirty Sanchez Maddox that crept off of the FBI watchlist and into the spotlight at Wrigley field twenty years ago? See Exhibit B, right, and you’ll understand why I called it the Cy Motherfucking Young Award when Maddox won it.

Now observe another of our era’s greatest pitchers: Randy Johnson. Admit that if one were to place these two pictures side by side and remove the surrounding text, it would be difficult to guess which one was from his rookie year before a very close look. The dude's always looked 40. Even wearing makeup for his crucial appearance in the showdown scene in Little Big League.


Now, there were a few players who held onto the late 80’s trailer-trash chic like their livelihoods depended on it. Actually, that was the case for some of them. Here is Rod Beck, who blew the Red Sox’ incredible 1999 season but looked damn sexy doing it, juxtaposed with a picture of Zap Rowsdower, the hero of the cult classic Canadian B-movie The Final Sacrifice.


Considering how most of you are probably still mulling over that uncanny resemblance, you’ll probably pull yourselves out of that haze and wonder what the hell I brought mustaches up for, and how it relates to my scare-tactic of a funnel introduction. Truthfully, my friends at work and I started looking up the value of old rookie cards we have from when we were kids, and admitting that their value has gone to shit with the sports card collectible market, took solace in the fact that we’ll always have those collections to pull out and have a good laugh at when we’re down. I mean, talk about turbulent turnover rate. Pull out any random card from 1994 and see if that guy’s still in the majors. Remember Dana Kiecker, Kevin Maas, or (previous mention in this column aside) Jody Reed? Unless you grew up watching the Red Sox and Yankees, the answer is no. Don’t lie to me. Some remember Doug Drabek, if only for the fact that his level of sheer manliness has not been contested since Bush the first was in power.

They’re probably all living comfortable lives now, and considering the shitty hand most people on this earth are dealt when they’re brought onto it, most of you probably are, too. So, don’t take anything for granted. If you ever wore a moustache unironically (or even ironically… those hipsters really annoy me) because “it was the style,” don’t worry about it. People are dying all over the world. I wrote this column because I have a good enough life that I can sit back and think about stupid shit like this for hours at a time. And for that, I’m thankful. I’ll remember that next month when I do my “what I’m thankful for” column. We’ve got plenty of stuff in the works until then. You all just wait in suspense.