[transmission from... Tyler S]

One cultural touchstone about which I rarely find myself writing is drinking. True, I personally did not indulge in alcohol until I was about twenty. But, I've been around the block with various types of drinks of various levels of quality. Nothing beats having a drink in good company of friends, as good friend and TDC vet Adam and I were chatting about recently. Unfortunately, Adam’s intermittent work in and around the far reaches of the galaxy (by that I mean, the Midwest) has denied him of adequate time to find adequate drinking buddies. Little did we know that a casual conversation about the topic would lead us to the darkest secret about one of America's most infamous white blues purveyors. Observe.

Adam: the problem with this kind of work is that I’m never anywhere long enough to meet anyone to drink with
me: and drinking alone always makes you question your existence
no matter how much money you make or how good things are in general
and of course george thorogood had a song with a long diatribe about how he drinks alone
he seemed proud of it
Adam: i don't know why he had to drink alone. did the destroyers ditch him?
and i thought every woman he met stayed satisfied¹... hardly the mark of a solo drinker
me: i think he just liked Sex on the Beach or other girly drinks and didn't want to tarnish his bad to the bone reputation
Adam: George Thorogood = Zima drinker

Allow me to reamplify our exhaustively researched conclusion for those of you who may not be familiar with trite things like THE TRUTH.

George Thorogood = Zima drinker

There you have it! The baddest, bonest, whitest riff-lifter in all of contemporary blues-rock enjoys the finest of malt beverages that was launched in 1994 after being test-marketed in Nashville, San Francisco, and Syracuse. He can no longer hide behind his questionable celebrity! Need further convincing? Simply observe this timeless (and completely absurd, as Adam pointed out) video for the aforementioned single.



Here are a few points to mull over:

• That part where he continues playing for about 20 seconds after his solo ends. This is a true testament to his inability to fess up his love for Zima. Or just terrible editing (I’m leaning toward the latter)
  "Adam: he doesn't appear to be able to play guitar"
• Do you see how long he contemplates taking that shot of Jack Daniels and how he struggles with the spectre of a manly drink?
• When that woman who looks like Valeria Golino appears, he gets up and leaves. What’s the deal, George? A little light in the loafers? She wants your balls, man! The least you could do is down the Jack and bang her. You’ve got an empty bar!! And she just appeared out of thin air. We don’t all have those luxuries.
• ['Cause I drink alone, yeah, with nobody else.
  I drink alone, yeah, with nobody else.
  Yeah, you know when I drink alone,
  I prefer to be by myself.']
  With prose like this, George does for redundancy what the Farrelly Brothers do for retarded people.

Taking our theory into conzideration, Adam did zome investigation, and you may not believe what he dug up on our Bad-to-the-bone conzumer...



Here he is in concert a few years back. Adam wasn't certain, but he thinks this was either in Madagascar, Nepal, on the moon, or somewhere else he didn't need to hide his love for Zima.



From what we understand, this kid was a part of the Make-a-Wish Foundation, and his plane, on the way to Disney World, accidently wound up in Thorogood's home state of Delaware. Make-a-Wish were too embarrassed to admit the pilot they hired got lost, so they told the kid that Disney World was closed for the day, and that George Thorogood was Walt Disney's second-cousin's grandson. The Lord/Yahweh/Allah/Et al, feeling terrible for this cosmic fuck-up, granted the kid five more years of life. He's going to Disney World this year. George Thorogood is not invited.

Other Celebrities We Arbitrarily Decided Also Indulge in this Guilty Pleazure

Seriously, what's going on, Dice Man? Did those filthy nursery rhymes back you into such a corner that your only escape was to grab the Coors' Brewing company's most ridiculed alcopop beverage? Clay was a pretty big deal in the mid-90's, and so were Crystal Pepsi, Clear TAB, and this, for some reason. Moving on...



Adam dug up this shot from a pile of outtakes from a recent ad shoot for Cabo Wabo Tequila. It is possible that someone snuck this into his hand while he was distracted by his rapidly mutating facial hair. But if Sammy were to indulge in said beverage, he would certainly argue with any officer of the law that taking shots of Zima behind the wheel of a car isn't really "drinking and driving." He would also use it as recourse to excuse anything he did with Van Halen from the second side of OU812 on, that abortive tour he tried with David Lee Roth a couple years ago, and his nagging inability to DRIIIIIVE FIFTY-FIIIIIIIIIVE!!

1. George Thorogood and the Destroyers. "Bad to the Bone." Bad to the Bone. EMI America, 1982.