[transmission from... Tyler Sonnichsen]



In a new (potentially) annual tradition here at TDC, I’m starting to recognize those in and around the bounds of our civilization and culture who, despite sucking for all intensive purposes, are still awesome through it all. Anyone or anything that requires an extensive diatribe to explain or rationalize their suckiness qualifies for these awards. I can’t really explain it further beyond that. I decided to name these awards after the legendary vaudevillian funnyman Ted Healy because he would have swept these if they’d been around back in the day. Healy (born Clarence Earnest Lee Nash) will forever be known as the guy who gave The Three Stooges their start. Healy’s problem, aside from his rampant alcoholism, was that his humor barely holds up today, unlike that of Howard, Fine, and Howard. Apparently, he died in a bar fight in 1937 (details are disputed), but I think most people today agree- the only reason we still watch his films is to catch early glimpses of The Stooges. For these reasons, Healy’s legend is secure. Just read on and see who these awesome suckmongers are…

"Second Fiddle in a Great Band" Healy Award
Honorary "Flagship" Healy Award

STEVIE JACKSON

Oh, Stevie, you devilish lad! You are an integral part, and possibly the best musician within, one of the greatest pop groups in history, and yet you still manage to suck! But, we still love you. True, Belle & Sebastian would not be the same without you, but for a simple explanation as to why you are the grand champion of lovable mongers of sucktitude, let me present a scene from the Merriweather Post Pavilion on July 8, 2006. The moment the band sprang into your song “Wrong Girl,” it appeared that everyone in the crowd decided to spring toward the bathrooms. Don’t get me wrong, your songs are wonderful, but not the kind of wonderful that leaves you all warm and fuzzy afterwards like Murdoch’s do. You’re probably sick of hearing that, but at least he can’t touch your Harmonica skills, as few can. I would be lying if I said I didn’t love “Jonathan David” to death, and the moment you enter “This is Just a Modern Rock Song” ranks among the finest Belle moments. I’ll even admit that I heartily enjoy “Seymour Stein” (an admission that may prevent me from ever earning cred as a music critic). A band as great as Belle & Sebastian needs a soft underbelly, and now that Isobel Campbell jumped ship, you’re it. You’re voice is unique, but not a Morrissey or Joey Ramone unique, you understand? Not a “I’m so happy to be hearing this guy sing!” kind of voice. You are so awesome; it’s unconscionable that you still manage to suck in your own special style. Here’s to you, Mr. Jackson. Don’t feel bad- it’s not as if you’re being sent off to war; there are worse things in this world.

"Band that Gets a Lot of Crap" Honorable Mention Healy Award

STELLASTARR*

For a band that has attracted so many haters, they sure do churn out some pretty good songs. “Jenny,” “Damn This Foolish Heart,” “My Coco,” and “Love and Longing” may be somewhat derivative, but they’re still pretty lovable. Plus, who the hell sings like Shawn Christensen anymore? Well, Sam Endicott of The Bravery (who Stellastarr* are much better than), and a handful of other Robert Smith-worshippers. But given that gratuitous and borderline pretentious asterisk at the end of their name and the arguable theory that their existence isn’t ENTIRELY necessary, this quartet has earned an anomaly degree of sucktitude. Congratulations, Stellastarr*!

"The Sporting Life" Healy Award

THE WASHINGTON CAPITALS

I’ve already been here. Ovechkin rises above this all, since he is probably the greatest player in the league now. And please, if you are a sports writer who has at any point publicly lamented the fact that he plays in the smaller DC market, be so kind as to get hit by a bus.

Political Legacy Healy Award

MICHAEL DUKAKIS

I’m sure if anyone more politically minded wrote this, you’d be in Stevie “Be Myself Completely” Jackson’s place, but let’s face facts. You’ve almost achieved godlike status as a symbol of complete political mediocrity. Short, Greek guys from Massachusetts aren’t cut out to be president of the United States. Granted, when you ran against Papa Bush in 1988 I was too young to care one way or another. When the Democrats ran Kerry in ’04 (just as bad of a choice as you were!), I nearly didn’t vote because Wesley “should be the fucking president right now” Clark got passed over. But, I did my duty, voted for Kerry, and ran for the nearest toilet. I mean, they have “Dukakis States” in Electoral College punditry vocabulary now! “If Dukakis could win these states, ANYONE could win them!” That sucks so much it’s awesome. YOU’RE awesome, Michael. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Non-Human Healy Award

MISS PIGGY

As someone who grew up basking in the glow of Jim Henson’s genius, I have to say that Miss Piggy is plain really freaking annoying. The fact that she’s one of the core Muppets places her on this list of awesome figures who suck. Miss Piggy is the most one-track of all the Muppets. She never leaves Kermit alone, and he’s a guy who just needs some alone time- producing the Muppet Show is hard-ass work. We can relate to this conflict now as adults, as some of us can’t really go back to just being friends or friendly acquaintances with anyone who we’ve hooked up with way too many times, even if we regret it (and deep down inside, we normally don’t). I mean, I remember seeing the Elton John episode when I was younger, and Piggy gets to duet with him by begging and prodding. What kind of lesson is that for little kids? And the “HI-YA” clothesline gets a little old after thirty years.