[transmission from... Tyler Sonnichsen]

For those of you who take the precious time out of your day, work break, or search for porn to scroll down to the bottom of this page, you may notice that I catalogue various quotes from friends, famous comedians, TV shows, and of course, the extensive backlog of “old school” TDC films. However, I rarely sit down and extrapolate on those quotes, since they usually stand for themselves. Today, however, I am turning over a new leaf. It’s April, I am one week until the tender old age of 23, and some things must be said. That is, a comprehensive list of some of the greatest things never said onstage, heavily influenced by my roommate Tom and a pair of his bandmates.

“Could we have more Mime in the monitors?”
As an ardent conversationalist, I wonder what future I would have if my voice gave out permanently. Miming, of course. I only need a few classes in the school of Marcel Marceau, Harpo Marx, and the like, and I’m well on my way. I asked Tom if any of his bands could use a Mime, and his response was a resounding “YES.” The addition of someone pulling a rope or pretending they were in a glass box onstage would help any band’s presence. Plus, Richmond’s favorite sons Avail have this guy Beaux Beaux who, as their “cheerleader” (listed right alongside guitarist, etc.) basically does psychotic calisthenics onstage, climbs around in rafters, and maybe, if he feels inspired, yells along with a chorus or two. The Mighty Mighty Bosstones have that jackass who just dances around during their songs, working well to counteract Dickie Barrett’s sucking.
The plan here, of course, would be to get the band going, all the while the Mime warms up behind them. After taking about five minutes per instrument, the guitarist steps up to the microphone, and asks the sound guy for “more Mime in the left monitor.” The sound guy, being preoccupied with some sorority girls who are there for the 2-for-1 Margarita specials, doesn’t understand why the guitarist is even joking about that. “No, no," the guitarist suddenly blurts out, "I said LEFT monitor, not center stage. There’s way too much mime in the bassist’s monitor. WAY too much. Just lower Silent McJesus’ level. What are we paying you for, man!?” The last few words would be drowned out by a shotgun blast.

“I’m sorry, your credit card has been denied.”
The sad part about this is, I’m sure that there have been bassists whose bartending jobs clash with their band’s gigs…at the bar they work at. And we all know the drill, the waitress has to leave early to tend to her kids while her husband leaves to work the late shift at Rite Aid. The bassist has to play his parts from behind the bar, running a cable up to the stage, serving drinks in between songs or during drum solos, and informing hard luck Harry that his credit’s bad.

“Don’t worry, I have plenty of extra picks here in my fanny pack.”
People who would say this (sincerely) should not be playing in bands in the first place. The never-ending psychological foray into the mystery of why they haven’t been able to take a healthy dump in 17 months, or how “that dern monument got so tall” would demand too much of their thought process.

“I wrote this song while sitting at home doing nothing.”
Before a singer/songwriter breaks into a relatively hot new song, they usually precede it with a romanticized story that may not even be true but will guarantee that they get laid afterward if they’re not going to already. A lot of musicians tend to write prolifically on the road, which is normally cool and leads to prologues about being drunk in their hotel room at 4 AM and grabbing a pen and scribbling their thoughts, but sometimes when musicians get middle-aged and more domesticated, their lives aren’t terribly interesting anymore.

“I’m sure he’ll be offering us that filthy multi-million-dollar, 100% creative control contract again tomorrow when we’re all doing him in the mouth!”
When it comes down to the art of fine negotiation, business skills and legal know-how take a back seat to the simple phenomenon of tact.