[transmission from... Tyler Sonnichsen]

Alright, these half-assed (albeit enjoyable...I hope) posts will ideally come to and end, or at least show up much less frequently once The Big Takeover is over. (If you're anywhere in the DC area and at least 21, come out- it's free and will be awesome. Get the info on the right in the TAP Wire or email shows at tdcpresents dot com with any questions). There, token promotion out of the way, here we go.

"You the man!"
"No, you the man!"

Does this sound familiar to you? More importantly, what does this conversation really mean? I use the term 'conversation' loosely, since it requires no education nor rudimentary knowledge of the english language to articulate "you the man." I think 'verbal exchange' would fit better. But what exactly constitutes, "the man?"

Truthfully, earning the title of "the man" is a delicate process, and one that comes as the result of years of hard work. Nobody I think of as "the man" was born that way. Also, anyone who is rightfully referred to as "the man" should ever take shit from nobody. Preferably, what they do, and the music and/or art they produce is genuine, memorable, and it inspires. "The man" makes a difference in the world and in others' lives, refusing to settle for mediocrity.
Inspired by an idea from none other than TDC's own Alex Kain, here is the list of The Men.

• Samuel L. Jackson
• Bruce Campbell
• Jon Stewart
• Conan O'Brien
• Vince Vaughn*
• Ted Leo
• Sen. Barack Obama (D-IL)
• Sen. Joe Biden (D-DE)
• Bruce Willis **
• Steve Earle
• SU COM Professor Lawrence "Doc" Mason, Jr.
• SU Geography Professor John Western
• David Cross
• Clive Owen
• Mark E. Smith of The Fall
• Mike Muir of Suicidal Tendencies
• Lemmy Kilmeister of Motorhead+
• Trot Nixon^
• David Ortiz
• Tom Waits
• Jello Biafra
• Chuck D.
• Stephen Malkmus
• David Lynch
• Josh Pace
• Christopher Walken
• Former SU Chancellor Kenneth "Buzz" Shaw~
• Mehmet Sevil~
• Andrew Racho~
• The Pope~
• Sean Connery
• Kool Keith
• Common
• Pretty much most people on the indie DC Comedy Scene, and NYC too for that matter.
• Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero
• Lou & Pete Koller of Sick of It All
• Your uncle who never had kids
• Ian MacKaye of Fugazi and about 30 other bands
• Dave Attell
• Lou Reed
• Chris Rock

* Barring a number of potential catastrophic career moves
** The "Die Hard" Era, primarily
+ How do you make umlauts on a US keyboard, anyway?
^ Barring an overload of Jesus references
~ Guest submission from Brian Frances Egan

If you've got any that I missed, send them to tyler at tdcpresents dot com. The only real stipulation is that they have to be alive and that they are "the man" within reason.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

[transmission from... Tyler Sonnichsen]

Hey, everyone. Sorry for the lack of updates in this past week. Like my last entry suggested, aside from my deabilitating music addiction, there has been much afoot, and I've been going crazy getting ready for The Big Takeover this Saturday in Alexandria. (Info on the right). I wrote this for Mudsugar the other day, but I don't think they're going to publish it, because its not so much journalism as it is taking a swipe at that no-talent, chauvinistic, delusional, whiny, humorless pile of humanity-degenerating dumbshit Scott Stapp. Who's doing a show at the 9:30 Club tonight!! Anyway, enjoy.


People of the Earth, more specifically Washington, DC:

To those of you who have no heard of me, I am the Lord. Yahweh. Allah. The Big Man. G-d. I know that a lot of you worship me. Some fear me. Some celebrate me. Some simply do not believe in me, which is fine. It never hurts to keep a low profile in this day and age. I know that the earth, which has way too many people who have way too many different ideas about me, has been up in arms lately over a lot of things. I am sure that most of you are wondering about my positions on the issues, since many of them directly relate to me. Here is the scoop: every religion is kind of true. There, I said it. Each one has its issues that have been a little (or very) misrepresented, but there are only a few things that really, really aggravate me.

1. People killing in my name. Seriously, what is up with that?
2. People saying that I did this for them, I did that for them. Truthfully, I could care less about who gets to be president of a country or who hit that game-winning home run. Politics and sports have not been a big deal to me since they went all mainstream and corporate with the Greeks way back in the day.
3. Anyone who makes a dollar off me while falsely singing my praise and having no talent and completely making a fool of themselves and is named Scott Stapp and used to have a banal band named Creed and now is touring the US solo and selling out clubs with way too much dignity to book jokes like him in the first place.

Wow, I need a breather from my 23 lungs after getting all of that out. And yes, I did just cut to the chase.

Now, I will be the first to admit (well, in essence I am the first to do everything but come on, it is hard being this awesome) that I have not exactly been “hip” to the latest trends in pop music since the 1340’s, I would say. Back then, I gained other hobbies, and most of the music back then was just singing my praise. It was flattering, but legions of Gregorian monks chanting the same stuff over and over got to be quite redundant. It was not until that odd revival about fifteen years ago with those Time/Life collections that it hit me that I should get up to date on what’s crackin’ in the world of music. (That is what the kids say today, right?). To my astonishment and disappointment, I heard this new band Creed. They had all of the loud instruments, bombast, and glossy production that those monks never had, but for some reason, were significantly less interesting. From the moment I heard that no-talent weasel singer Scott Stapp blurt out the words “What’s this Life For?” I wondered the same thing about him myself.

Even I cannot keep track of everything that is said and that transpires in the earth’s news media today, but how, may I ask, did this guy come to be recognized as a “good Christian?” People have many different points of view on what constitutes a “good Christian,” and one does not need to be like that man Flanders on the Simpsons to meet any real standard, but I am positive that nobody who drinks excessively for years, fornicates with strippers, verbally and physically abuses his coworkers and associates, and gets married and arrested on the same day will ever be considered a “good Christian” in a non-sarcastic way.

For example, this past November, Stapp and the members of 311 got into a tussle in a Baltimore luxury hotel. That was a classic. The guy, having already threatened 311, had more than a few drinks at the bar, and then proceeded to make comments to 311 singer S.A. Martinez’ wife (The Washington Post Express referred to them as “inappropriate” …let us just leave it at that) and a small-scale riot broke out. This must have been the funniest thing to ever happen in Baltimore that did not involve John Waters in some way.

And now, a mere 45 minutes from that scene, Washington, DC, is allowing this mongrel access, and what’s more, the city’s top venue is hosting him. This is disappointing enough for a club with such a great legacy. I see no fault in wanting to pack the place with fans, no matter how suspect their taste in music, but come on! I believe that drawing the line would certainly not hurt. For each Panic at the Disco or Yellowcard that 9:30 brings in, they recover with a Supergrass or a Belle & Sebastian. After doing extensive research and listening to millions of hours of music, I have figured out the following: In order to truly redeem themselves for aiding and abetting Scott Stapp, the 9:30 Club would need to somehow get The Velvet Underground, Led Zeppelin, and The Clash (all in their primes) to form some sort of super-ultra band and do a free show with Tom Waits opening. (To save any of you the trouble of praying for me to make that happen, don’t count on it. Sorry).

Hopefully, you will all one day forget about this. For now, the masses have to reap what they have sown, and I will have to find a new hobby to distract myself from this pop culture that has made an icon out of Scott Stapp. I hear that Yoga is the big thing now. Anyway, enjoy the next six hundred years.

Yours truly,

The Lord