[transmission from... Tyler Sonnichsen]

Oh, William Donald Schaefer, former Governor of Maryland, and current State Comptroller. What a dirty old piece of shit. See? I cut right to the chase.

The Back-Story: For those of you unfamiliar with politics in the Mid-Atlantic region (outside of DC, of course), William Schaefer is one of the best-known "democrats" in the area, mostly because he served three terms as mayor of Baltimore. According to various news sources, including the Post Express (where I first spotted this story, buried in the local news section), here's what went down. The other day, Elizabeth Krum, a 24-year-old staffer for Governor Robert Ehrlich, brought Schaefer some tea. After she set it down, Schaefer motioned for her to come back. "Walk again," he said, as he 'glared wide-eyed at her backside.'

Now, if I'm not mistaken, hitting on an intern or an impressionable young staffer in private is one thing. Humiliating her in front of the entire house, including the acting governor (who, apparently, laughed at all of this), is another.

You know what else is another? Schaefer, who's already on my shit list for having a name that's freaking impossible to spell out six hundred times, didn't stop there. When questioned about his creepy, completely unprofessional actions, he defended what he did.

"The day I stop looking at pretty girls is the day I die."

"She ought to be damned happy I observed her going out the door!"

With that kind of irrepressible charm, it's a wonder this asshole's never been married. There are plenty of women out there who could overlook little things like this. And publicly reaming out Severna Park McDonald's employees for not speaking English well enough. And declaring that everyone with HIV/AIDS "brought it on themselves" and are a threat to society, and thus should be registered publicly. (Source: Annapolis Capital)

So where do I go with this? I issue this Open Letter to Elizabeth Krum:

Dear Ms. Krum,
I'm sorry to hear about what happened to you in the MD Board of Public Works meeting. Nobody deserves that kind of humiliation, and especially not someone like you. Granted, I've never met you, and I have no idea what you're like as a person, but no matter who you are, you most likely did not deserve what Schaefer did to you. I, like many people I encourage to join in solidarity, firmly believe that you are entirely within your right to douse this old bastard in the tea you brought him. Show him what it feels like to be humiliated in front of all of the State's Public Works officials. If you feel inclined, smack him with the bottle or flip him off, and walk out. I understand that your job may be important to you, but no job is more important than one's dignity. Despite this setback, I'm sure you'll still have a fine career in law or politics, and you'll be thanking yourself for a long, long time. The amount of respect you would gain for yourself and from others would more than make up for losing this job, wherein you're obviously not appreciated or respected nearly as much as you should be. I'm just planting seeds, though...Now you go show him that you mean business.

Sincerely,
Your Friends at TDC Productions

[transmission from... Tyler Richardson]

Well it's been a minute but let's get straight to the nitty grit. I couldn't stop thinking how funny it would be to pee like a handicapped guy so I had to try it. I've been laughing to myself for the past week at the thought of it so... I get in the bathroom and get the stall right in the middle of all the rest, that way nobody's pissin' too far from me. Then, I took my pants completely off and slung them over my shoulder. This was at work, so though it was unprofessional that made it even funnier to me. And I'm off, not long before another guy walks in. He stutter-steps and then just proceeds to laugh and I can see him thinking "Don't look at that chocolate ass!" But you can't help yourself.

That was all, I just wanted to share something that made happy with you.

But while I'm on a similar subject let me throw another memory your way. I was in the Army Reserves and had to take many a shower with a room full of hairy men. Guys, trust me. If you're a little self conscious about your buttocks (and we all are) , don't be. Everyone's got some hair on the glutes, and it gets worse than a lot of us realize. Much worse. Much worse. Anyway, I saw my platoon leader turn around while showering and with both hands, he split his hairy ass wide open in front of me and got on his tippy toes to wash out his behind. It is a photo that I cannot remove from the folds of mind. No matter how much marijuana I take in. It's stuck. Have a great day, everybody.

Vinyl Treasures #2 [transmission from... Tyler Sonnichsen]


The Hammer Dulcimer Played by Chet Parker
Folkways Recordings FA 2381
C. 1966 Folkways Recordings

I sit here in deep cogitation, wondering why, among all instruments, the hammer dulcimer never caught on. Nowadays, you have to go to a state fair to find one of those things in public exhibition. And, I’m sure I’m not the only one who believes this, but the thing rocks the house. Just, unconventionally.

Just look at this stud Chet Parker. 27 years before RZA labored for months to produce Enter the Wu-Tang: 36 Chambers, Parker used nothing more than a Dulcimer to bring da muthafuckin’ ruckus. And he did it in overalls!

It’s a shame more musicians from that era didn’t take advantage of this guy’s virtuosity when was around until 1975. It’s kind of like how Shaun Ryder did a duet with country icon Karl Denver on the Happy Mondays’ hit “Lazyitis/One-Armed Boxer.” Imagine the possibilities:

The Velvet Underground w/ Chet Parker: “Venus in Furs, Skip to My Lou” (1967)
This would rock so hard…unconventionally. Imagine the laconic blasts of feedback and Lou Reed’s druggy guitar noise, couple with John Cale’s sporadic viola hits and Chet Parker playing ‘Skip to My Lou’ in the background. I’m getting high just thinking about it.

The Beatles feat. Chet Parker: “Norwegian Hickory, Boy! (This Bird Has Flown)” (1965)
Just consider, for one moment, if George Harrison hadn’t gotten so obsessed with the sitar, and instead decided to delve across the pond for inspiration, and landed in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Well, I know I think it would have sounded cooler.

Emerson, Lake, and Parker (1970- )
This wouldn’t be for just one song, but the band’s entire catalog. Replace Carl Palmer with Chet Parker, and Keith Emerson and Greg Lake would just sit around and do nothing rather than actually play instruments or help write the music. Basically, this would just be Chet, and actually listenable.