[Transmission from... Tyler Sonnichsen]

Hey, kids! It’s your old pal, Tyler, and I’m here to talk to you kids about something very, very bad that happens almost eight million times nightly across the world. The telephone, a great invention indeed, was invented by Alexander Graham Bell (if you all remember from our last discussion about the importance of beards in the 1800’s) so that humans could communicate instantly from long distances apart! As you all can plainly see, the telephone made this whole wide world into a smaller place. Now, you kids may not remember when your mommy and daddy didn’t have “cellular” or “mobile” telephones, but I, being born waaaay back in 1983, remember a simple, more idyllic time when people actually talked on grounded phones the old-fashioned way. What’s that, Billy? What does “idyllic” mean? Look it up, douche. Anyway, kids, while Billy goes to find the dictionary, I’m going to speak frankly about this odd new cultural phenomenon known as the “drunk dial.”

See, kids, when your mommy or daddy or older brother or sister or day care provider imbibes a little too much- add that to your word search, Billy- they act in silly ways. For example, since a mobile phone stores dozens of numbers that they can dial at the push of a button, you never know who they may just decide to call! Take, for example, my great friend [Bruce #1]. Now, [Bruce #1] is a swell guy, even taking the time to entertain me one frosty night last February.

(Actual Transcription; 2/11/05 11:19 pm)
Yo, Tyler. What’s goin’ on!? Yo, it’s [Bruce #1] from Connecticut, man. Yo! AKA Lenny, Len-Dawg, Leonard, Heavy L! [Mitch Hedberg-like laugh] Yo I’m just wasted and I’m calling random people in my phone book, and it looks like you got the lucky number, so I just wanted to wish you a goodnight, and…yeah, I’m pretty trashed. Pretty trashed. So I guess I’ll sing you a song. (Just like Sting) ROOOOXANNE! YOU DON’T HAVE TO PUT ON THE RED LIGHT! ROOOOXANNE! YOU DON’T HAVE TO WEAR THAT DRESS TONIGHT!! I hope you enjoyed that. Good night.

You see what I mean, kids? I would say the same for my good buddy [Bruce #2], as he was feeling quite jubilant after a visit to Darwin’s Alehouse and Crematorium this past May:

Ooohhhh! Look at me! My name’s Tyler Sonnichsen, and I have an automated voice mail messaging system! I like bees! Every once in a while, I have sex with a (Chinese?) runaway! Heey! I know [Bruce #3]? He punches babies! You know!? You know what? I don’t know who you are! Aww, kick him! Kick him in the groin! [Bruce #3] has informed me that you kick babies in the groin! Tyler, if you are alive, you should go to France. Because that’s where they keep the hell. And you need extra hell! [Elongated shriek]

And of course, if for some reason your phone disconnects you, you can always call right back!

‘En there was this one time, I was covered in bees! And when I saw those bees, I thought of you. And Angels filled my vision, and all around me was darkness, and hell, and there wasn’t really angels because it was a lie! And then I found Tyler Sonnichsen, and I licked his face. And his brains was filled with worms. And I ate his face, and his face tasted like bacon! And bacon is my favorite red meat! Gaaaah! I’m looking at your room, and I was thinking ‘Hey, it must suck to be an RA, living in a dorm for the rest of your life.’ Aaaah! I’m drunk and I love you! Boners in your butt! I had sex with your mom!! Good bye.

READER'S NOTE: I know drunk dials are usually annoying and stupid, but these are the three I've gotten that are without equal and had to be immortalized. And in case you couldn't tell, I replaced the actual callers' names with Bruce in varying ranks. I'm sure they wouldn't mind being identified, and if you know either of them personally you can probably guess who they are, but one's getting into politics and may begin law school soon, and one's an art teacher. We've got to do something in the neighborhood of keeping up appearances, people. We're out- peace.

Wait, the Super Bowl was today?