[transmission from... Tyler Richardson]


Petey the turtle was on his way to the fair and feeling like today would be the day that he finally got the skin pie that he deserved. Petey went to the fair with a group of fat lizards in attempts to gain sympathy from the cuter reptiles. They all piled into the ferris wheel and went crazy as the ride began.
Petey had his reservations because the fat bitches just kept rockin. But he had seen xXx with Vin Diesel (right) and had an idea. When the ride got to the top he seized the moment and kicked a fat girl out of her seat. As soon as she started to exit the car Petey jumped out too. He landed feet first and rode her to the ground like a snowboard. But when she hit it looked more like a turtle standing on a mound of lasagna than a reptile. To Petey's surprise not only did the rest of the chunky bunch live, but they were quite upset at the overreaction that Petey had shown. The P man always rocks the CHRON so they had no choice but to get over it and toke. One particular fatty caught his attention. She was funny, smart, and drove her own car. Petey had read of these women but legend has it that if you saw one you'd go blind. As the effects on CHRON set in she did not get prettier but Petey's standards were dropping like Bush's Approval! So now comes the time when Petey had either nail and leave her for dead or stop making eye contact with this wookie. And a wookie she was. But they kissed. Petey was certain this was gonna happen and then it happened. But a hint of bacon in the air was enough to make Petey get the hell out of there. Not tonight, but God bless you Petey. Your standards were just too high. Next time...

[transmission from... Tyler Sonnichsen]

Oh, how few days have passed between installments of this new, talked-about series of TDC Productions posts. I guess this world has got a few too many douchebags in it to let it fall by the wayside. Honestly, I don't even like using the term, since it often leaves the mouth of mouth-breathers who, no matter what the situation was, were probably in the wrong whereas the "douchebag" in question was right. My own experience with this theory notwithstanding, the borderline-omnipresent target of this column basically forced me to sit down and write this in leiu of sleep. But I think I need to present and analyze the inherent douchebagginess of the Clorox Company in a bit of detail.

For those of you who don't know, you're disgusting human beings. It's the 21st century. People wash their clothes. People use bleach to remove stains or prime their hair for a totally radical dye-job. Joe Elliot did it between Def Leppard's Pyromania and Hysteria albums, and you try to tell anyone on the street that Hysteria didn't rock harder and more mulletastically than its predecessor. Come to think of it, the former did rock a little harder, but the latter sold about 80 billion more copies. What I'm trying to say is, Clorox is like the Kleenex of laundry detergents and bleaches- everyone knows it, whether they normally use it or not.

I'm on the Metro the other day, thinking about that wonderful former Metro director Richard White (or Dead Kennedys, as I was probably listening to their Live at the Deaf Club 1979 CD...damn good recording...either way, I was thinking about something) and immediately a horrible ad demanded my attention. It featured a cute little girl, standing beneath a big blue sky, saddled with the message "MAY THEY SPREAD THEIR WINGS, NOT THE FLU VIRUS."

I nearly tore it out of the wall, for several reasons. The most relevant of which is how Clorox, a company that doesn't even NEED to advertise itself (it's one of the highest-selling laundry supply chains in the world) is tapping the public's fear to make a buck. Clorox. Why the hell do they need to capitalize on fear for profit? The kind of person who won't see through their shallow advertising/terrifying campaign is the same kind of person who's already figured out who in their family gets what when the avian flu comes and takes them away to the land of Killer Bees, that atrocity of a Y2K bug, and the devil's music!!!!

I'm not trying to call out any sort of influenza as a media/government-bred hoax, because I'm sure that in the case of this (like Polio outbreaks before WWII and the Spanish Flu during WWI) they really are looking out for us to their best ability. What I am saying is that Clorox needs to pull their heads out of their squeaky-clean asses and not give their investors' dollars to ad execs who terrify people into washing their clothes and their hands. Whoever isn't doing these things already have got plenty more baggage to handle. As grotesquely often as this is cited, FDR once said, "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself"...and he had Polio!

Hopefully soon public fears about influenza will be eradicated to a point where we can focus more on important issues, both domestically and abroad. If none of the world's manifold problems show any promise of changing soon, then at least we can count on Clorox going back to those commercials with the innocuous-looking young mothers spinning their babies around in the middle of sunlit fields, and nothing really happens until we see several Clorox products on display and it suddenly hits us that we've been recycling underwear for about three days.