[transmission from... Tyler Sonnichsen]
Hello out there in internet-land, everyone. Sorry to those of you who've been checking back and been forced to stare at Ryan
Conner's Hunter Thompson photo, but that's the way it's had to be lately. I haven't had a whole lot of time to write this
past week, between waiting to pick up my new computer (which, in case I haven't extrapolated on the subject, will kick ass),
and picking up more work for
Mudsugar. (Stay tuned for plenty of great things coming up this spring, which I'm sure I'll be putting mention of on the TDC site).
At any rate, I decided, influenced by a name in the news around DC, to begin yet another in a series of rants. I'll
be continuing "Great Moments in Comedic History" soon with Episode 2 of Mr. Show and the like, but for now, in the ever-so-iconoclastic
spirit of TDC Productions, I give you all "Profiles in Douchebaggery."
Being a douchebag is a delicate process. Having
been labeled one myself on many occasions (normally in good humor, though sometimes sincerely by the occasional mouth-breather
I wrote up for being stupid when I was an RA), I can attest to that. Personally, I think I'm more of a jackass, as many of
my compatriots have referred to me.
Sorry for the tangent; that just randomly popped into my head. Now, for the issue
at hand:
What makes Richard White TDC's douchebag-of-the-week? For those of you who have never been on the
Metro in the great city of Washington, DC, White was the CEO who recently "came to an agreement" to step down from his post.
In other words, they wanted him out. The DC Metro, which runs on a $1 billion annual budget, totals 106 miles of track, and
employs over 10,000 people. Since White took over in 1996, the number of daily delays has doubled, and on average, 14,400
Metro riders per days are inconvenienced in some way. That may have something to do with the $383 million that Metro spent
for 192 new rail cars. That's already $2 million per car, which is pretty ridiculous already, but they boiled down the cost,
as is the American way, by skimping on construction costs and quality checks. It's awesome knowing that they spend as much
time repairing these new cars as they do working on the dinosaurs that carry over 600,000 people through the area every day.
Now with Richard White gone, perhaps the DC Transit council will start reevaluating their use of the $1 million+ that
come into the system daily. Wrong. They've seen fit to plea bargain with White, and now they're giving him an annual pension
of $106,000.
No, my 0 key isn't jammed. They're giving this moustache with legs over 100 G's every single year for
the rest of his life. For doing nothing. He isn't even that old. And he didn't do the best job at running Metro. And he had
about 300 press sources write up a story about how he rides the Metro from his home (way out in Fairfax County, mind you),
just because he never bothered to in his first eight years on the job. Doesn't it make you want to march on Metro Center?
Any mass transit system that can throw that much chump change at a guy every year for doing nothing can surely guarantee that
I'll never have to wait more than 7 minutes to catch a Metrorail train or a bus. I'm sure in this infinitely better alternate
universe, someone like Wesley Clark or Jello Biafra is president of the United States, gas is $0.25/gallon, and the only terrorists
threatening our country are the members of the highly popular ICKSS (International Coalition to Kill Scott Stapp). Just a
hint, he's on tour now fellas.
(As a footnote, I'd like to quickly mention that I do not know where the term "Douchebaggery" originated, but the first time
I heard it was during an inspired comedy scene last April featuring Jessica Stickles and Dan Luddy. So thank you to both of
them).
On Friday I wrote about something that annoys me, but was still an obviously sarcastic post. It was about people who
have never done comedy or have only done a couple open mics, but actually have a website devoted to their comedy “career”.
It was not in reference to anyone who actually does shows around DC, as it referred to people who have never done it, but
call themselves “rising stars.” They aren’t people I’ve met, since they don’t even do shows. They are just people whose websites
I’ve found because I’m a loser. Somehow this ruffled some feathers. And I only use that incredibly gay phrase because it matches
the gayness of the comment left by the anonymous comic whose feathers I ruffled. Here are excerpts from what I wrote:
WEBSITE
GUIDELINES
1. If you’re funny, but have been on stage less than 10 times, don’t get a website. It’s stupid. What are
you advertising? Other than SIDS, nothing is sadder than reading a comic’s bio that covers all facets of his or her comedy
“career” when all they’ve done is two open mics at a butcher shop.
2. Your website isn’t really doing anything for
you if you tell people to check you out at www.websites.com/leftfoot/grimlockhungry16%/pump/tutelidge.htm. We aren’t all Stephen
Hawking (or someone with a great memory). Pick something a little easier to remember. “But I’m left-footed and I love Grimlock!”
No one cares. Use your name, you stupid whore-faced whore. (Editor’s note: I’m not actually referring to anyone’s sexual lifestyle.
It’s just a generic negative adjective.)
3. Don’t have a blog if your entries all read, “Last night I had a show. It
was pretty cool. More later.” If you do this, I will hate you.
4. Don’t include a bio that begins with the following:
“One of the best comics working today…” No you aren’t. Chances are, if that were true, people wouldn’t have to read it in
your bio. They would already know about you if it were true. Don’t do it especially if any of the other conditions that I
listed apply to you.
I noticed a link on a good comic’s website to a comedians message board called nobodylikesme.com.
I checked it out and it seemed like a cool site, but it is infested with the people that I mentioned. This is an actual post:
“What
i notice in this business is that you have to have some sort of gimmick to make it to the top. Like some catch phrase or something
like that. Get r done. Tool time what ever. Does anyone have a gimmick. Besides short bus. We know his. Or do you think that
is not the way to go. that not having a gimmic is the best way not to be lame. But, if you don't have a gimmic. In a way.
That is your gimmick. any thoughts.”
– User from nobodylikesme.com
If you have to ask people about “developing
a gimmick,” don’t do comedy. Juggle or do magic or something.
Somehow, someone was very offended by that, when it clearly
does not call out anyone who actually does comedy or even tries to do it. I have an equal level of respect for someone who
does one show per week and struggles through his or her set as I do someone who kills every night. Comedy is a hard thing
to do, and it takes a lot of courage to get up in front of a crowd and not know if they’ll like you or not. Now that’s out
of the way, here is what Faggy “Left Foot” McGay said:
Anonymous said...
"Ryan you are an asshole. Who
cares what you think about other comics. Don't be a prick, that won't get you anywhere."
I have a few issues with this:
-
Why remain anonymous? I’m stating my opinion on a website that bears my name, so why did this person remain anonymous? Because
his feathers were ruffled.
- Punctuation. How about a comma or a question mark? You could probably split up the run-on
too.
- Who cares about what I think? Obviously this person cares enough to not only read it, but to also leave a comment.
-
Prick? I stated that it’s annoying when people are delusional. I guess he’s right. That’s a prickish stance to take. Delusion
is charming.
- Grow up and don’t insult people through anonymous comments on a blog. That’s very unnecessary.
