[transmission from... Tyler Richardson]

Petey the turtle was a kind of creature with a heart of gold. He couldn't even hurt the fly that car jacked him. Petey also has a misdemeanor for possession of marijuana, but that's not what this story is about.Petey was at a party with all of his closest friends. Hoes from all over the 100-acre wood showed up cause Petey's friends always had "that ill shit". Petey's eye caught one animal in particular. It was Alice the Squirrel. They had never spoken but everyone knew that Alice was a whore so Petey's confidence was running high. To loosen her up he offered her some LSD. Fortunately, she was cool with a little TRIP and took 4 tabs. Well Petey took the same cause "He ain't no bitch!" and soon enough they were tumbling down the rabbit hole. Petey is a turtle of action but while he was plotting Alice began to act weird. Before anything took place she pulled both of her eyes out. Without thinking Petey pulled out his knife and cut her across several major arteries that would end her suffering quick. Because, the thought of a blind squirrel just isn't funny. It had to be done. God bless you Petey. Maybe next time Petey, maybe next time.

TO BE CONTINUED...

[transmission from... Tyler Sonnichsen]

Let me begin this article with the simple preface that I am completely cognizant of the fact that the Washington Capitals suck. They are not a strong hockey team. They only have a handful of good players, their management is poor, and they are highly unlikely to make the playoffs this year. That being said, I couldn’t care less about how weak they are. While they are not perfect or anywhere close to it, I never imagined that I would get this excited about a hockey team that isn’t from Boston and not called the Bruins. I’ve been a Boston Bruins fan my entire life, and given their management’s utter contempt for the players and their fans, it’s been getting progressively more difficult.
Living in the Washington Metropolitan area, I have been making an honest effort to latch onto the local sports franchises. I got here too late into the Nationals' Inaugural Season to really fall into their already massive fan-base, but there’s always next year. I’m a Red Sox fan, so I should be using that phrase anyway. I would start rooting for the Redskins, but football sucks. The Wizards are a good time, but the same goes for the NBA. When SU battles GTown at MCI in February, then we’re talking basketball worth watching.

So, as I was saying, the Capitals are the most exciting crappy team in pro sports. It’s pretty intangible, as is most of ice hockey’s greatness, but here are the five key reasons why The Caps are cooler than your favorite hockey team.

1. Alex Ovechkin...Forget about Sidney Crosby. Focus your attention slightly southeast onto the great number 8.
   A.O. is carrying his team just like a #1 overall pick should. And carry the Caps he has. If you’d seen him unleash an assault like he did in a 5-2 loss to Atlanta on January 1st, you’d know what I’m talking about. Despite the fact that the Caps were three goals down, half of the people in attendance (including the players, likely) were hung over from NYE, and most of the team was running out of gas, he pressed the Thrasher’s defense like a fiend, single-handedly pushing an entire line back into their zone, and checking random players onto their asses just because he felt like it. The dude’s 6th overall in goals, 11th overall in points, and leads all rookies in almost every offensive category with flying colors. Ovechkin for Rookie of the Year. Just give it to him. Now.
   
   
2. Their December 2, 2005 annihilation of the New York Rangers...I hate Jaromir Jagr. I hated him when he passed his days mooching off of Super Mario’s superhuman talent in Pittsburgh, complete with that stupid giant mullet you could land a plane on. I hate him even more now that he’s reveling in the spotlight in Madison Square Garden, waltzing around with the Rangers, who surprised many of us when they decided to be good this year. If one thing was for certain, though, the Rangers certainly reverted to their 1996-2004 ways when they marched into the MCI on December 2nd. I was lucky enough to be present to witness this 5-1 drubbing. The Caps fans booed Jagr every single time he touched the puck. Every. Single. Time. They let this jackass and his teammates hear it. Meanwhile, five different Caps scored (Ovechkin logged a goal and three assists), they completely controlled play in the neutral zone and in the slots, and basically shut up all of the Rangers fans who are eager for April to get here so they can stop pretending to care about hockey and put their Yankees gear on. Except for my friend that organized many of us to go to this wonderful game. While he does enjoy the Rangers, is also a strict adherent of the non-evil Mets, and is an acceptable human being (as a consequence, possibly).
   
   
3. Olaf Kolzig... “Olie the Goalie!!” This guy probably wants to be traded like Scott Weiland wants his next fix, or America wants Scott Weiland to quit making music, but he’s still here, and is still one of the best goalies in the NHL. I don’t want to speak ill of Ovechkin, Jeff Halpern, Steve Eminger, Dainus Zubrus, et al. but they wouldn’t be within 8 games of .500 without Kolzig between the pipes. Olie’s such a consummate franchise goalie, the Caps fans have even adapted the “Star Spangled Banner,” screaming “Ole!!” before “…say does that Star Spangled…” for him.
   
   
4. Their Captain’s a Jew...Seriously, that’s pretty cool. Halpern’s also from Potomac, MD, so he’s a local legend, too.
   
   
5. Washington is, however slowly, evolving into a Hockey Town...According to a woman I met at MCI on Sunday, the DC area is, above all else, all about the Redskins. Historically, people haven’t paid enough attention to the Caps, Wizards, and respective baseball franchises. DC lost the Senators twice, which is enough proof of the last point. But now that the Nationals are in full force, having set the record for expansion-team inaugural season attendance, things are looking up, provided they get that goddamn stadium deal straightened out. But, the Caps franchise has been doing everything they can without a Stanley-Cup caliber team to bring the NHL back to the mid-Atlantic in a big way. You can get a decent seat to any Caps game for between seven and twenty-two dollars, which opens the games up to lower-income families who live a short metro-ride away from the MCI center. Nobody claims that DC is a hockey town (Boston and Minneapolis are probably the only US cities with that distinction), but none of the people who come out to enjoy the Caps care. This team has something great hiding in the shadows, and if they can amass a winning team within the next couple of years, who knows how hard it will be to get tickets.