[transmission from... Tyler Sonnichsen]

"FRA-GEE-LAY. Must be Italian!"

Sorry this has taken a few more days than expected. I had to tie up various loose ends in DC, pack up, and travel back home for the holidays. But, I’m back here in Connecticut, and I’m proud to bring you the TDC #2 Greatest Christmas movie of all time “A Christmas Story,” starring Peter Billingsley and Darren McGavin.
I highly doubt that anyone is surprised, considering how this film is not only one of the greatest Christmas films ever made, but also one of the greatest period pieces, one of the greatest comedies, one of the best coming-of-age stories, and one of the most impressively acted.

Novelist Jean Shepherd hits a bulls-eye with every character he creates and every scenario from his romanticized 1940’s Indiana childhood. Despite the occasional over-projection in his narration (I can’t stand when actors over-project, which explains my contempt for most musicals), Shepherd’s narration encapsulates the story brilliantly. You almost forget that Shepherd is even there, you get so encapsulated in Ralphie’s world. By the time that Shepherd shows up briefly as a guy in line to meet Santa in the unbelievable department store scene (Goggles: ‘I like Santa.’ Ralphie: ‘Um…yeah.’), he has completely hit his stride, and Ralphie has become the ultimate tragic (or so we think) hero for kids everywhere.

The thing that's truly great about the character of Ralphie was that he perfectly captures a precise moment in our childhoods that we can all relate to. We’re getting old enough to help our father change a flat tire, defend ourselves forcefully against meatheads like Scut Farkus, and pick up on dirty words, but we are still young enough to believe in Santa or the Tooth Fairy, and for our “entire kid year to revolve around” Christmas, as Shepherd puts it in the intro. In every single one of these scenes, we see Ralphie grow up a bit, and it’s refreshing to understand that it sucked just as much sixty years ago as it does today to discover the harsh realities of life. People will laugh at your ambitions (“You’ll shoot your eye out, kid!”), assholes like Farkus and Grover Dill will always be pestering you just for trying to walk, and even the most fantastic adventure could easily end in complete disappointment (“BE…SURE…TO…DRINK…YOUR…OVALTINE. That’s it!? A crummy commercial? Son of a bitch!”).

But, as is with the way of the world ultimately, things usually right themselves, or in the very least, you find a way to see a silver lining. When Ralphie finally does get that Red Ryder BB Gun after a countless number of trials and tribulations, he realizes that no matter what goes wrong, he has all that he wants, or at least truly needs right at his fingertips. Even now, 22 years after this film first hit screens, with the world invariably on fire and childhoods like Ralphie’s are being sold off to MTV and the fashion industry at a rate faster than a herd of Bumpus hounds, if there’s anytime of the year that we can put all of our troubles aside as a human race, it’s now, no matter who you are or what you celebrate. Undoubtedly the Parkers’ winding up at a Chinese restaurant at the end is the ultimate nod-and-smile to the Jews of America, and I’m sure that there are plenty of other aspects of this family that Hindu, Muslim, Sikh, Buddhist…hell, anyone can watch with both laughs and admiration. But rather than picking it apart further, I’ll be content to just sit back and enjoy generous chunks of the “24 Hours of A Christmas Story” on TNT (or is it, TBS? I keep forgetting and I don’t feel like doing anymore research.) Anyway, check back sometime this weekend for the #1 pick.

[transmission from... Tyler Sonnichsen]

The only thing I still remember is the brick I would have tied to a string, attached to the door frame to my family’s back porch. That would most certainly clock the intruder on the head if he tore that door open. I’m sure that a variety of other traps poured out of my 7-year-old brain. See, I had been inspired by an entrepreneuring youngster named Macauley Culkin to prepare my house for the worst kind of intrusion, preferably by a pair of bumbling crooks comparable to Laurel and Hardy. I was one of thousands, maybe even millions of kids who were doing the exact same thing after seeing Home Alone for the first time.

For that fundamental reason, I had to push this into our top 3, ahead of a bevy of other perfectly great Christmas movies, including (but not limited to) Miracle on 34th St, It’s a Wonderful Life, A Muppet Christmas Carol, and others. Before he essentially did the same thing with the first couple Harry Potter movies, director Chris Columbus crafted the quintessential modern fantasy completely grounded in reality with this film. It could have succeeded if it had taken place anytime of the year, but in the end, pushed the spirit of Christmas to the foreground.

In the beginning, we meet Kevin, the role that, no matter how many decent satirical films Macauley Culkin cranks out before he dies (later rather than sooner, ideally), he will always, always be remembered for. Kevin’s caricature of a family lives in a mansion in snowy South Bend, Indiana, a detail downplayed into tiny nuances of John Hughes’ script. Now, Kevin is probably the least believable 8-year-old in cinematic history, possibly due to the factors that Culkin was 10 at the time, and Hughes was probably born at the age of 16. Nothing that Kevin says in this film would ever leave the mouth of an eight-year-old upper-middle-class brat, so it functions well with a barrage of literally incredible premises:

• Kevin synchs up a trashy old gangster movie to perfectly correspond to what his pizza boy asks from outside their door.
• He’s able to ride his sled down the stairs, through the front door, and over a sweet jump.
• Marv (Daniel Stern) steps, barefoot, on a rusty nail, then steps on a succession of jagged tree ornaments, but somehow, is still able to walk.
• Harry (Joe Pesci) gets shot, in the crotch, at close range, by a full-powered BB gun but still walks away shortly thereafter.
• John Candy has sold over 800 copies of his latest polka album.

Hughes, after all, still manages to fool millions of dumbasses in college into believing that they can truly relate to his Ferris Buellers and John Benders. Obviously, he got armies of pre-pubescent kids (including myself) believing that they could have pulled off exactly what Kevin did. To me, it’s a lot less harmful, since most of us grew up and realized that Home Alone was simply a fine farce, complete with carols and crazy Christmas lights.

The family is what Christmas always comes back to, though, and Home Alone nails that sentiment, complete with Mike “Big Pete” Maronna showing up here and there. Kevin is that every-kid who takes his family for granted, but in true formulaic fashion, he is faced with a key obstacle to overcome (both fending for himself around Christmas and fending off The Wet Bandits) and grows up quite a bit, acknowledging in the end how all you really need around the Holidays are the people who you care about close by. Home Alone gave us the gift of reminding the billions of people who saw it in theaters of that message, and attaching a face to that voice from “The Wonder Years.” And that unforgettable scene where Marley (Roberts Blossom) approaches him at church before the night of reckoning and they strike up a close friendship that comes in handy to Kevin later on. My friend once remarked about how disappointed he was that Kevin doesn’t even get one bite of that Macaroni and Cheese dish before Harry and Marv make their initial attack. Oh, well, the Holidays are about those sacrifices that we all make, too.

COMING SOON- THE SECOND GREATEST.

[transmission from... Tyler Sonnichsen]

You ever get that feeling that your brain has been consumed by an intangible cloud of light sickness, fatigue, and some form of chemical imbalance from the crap you've eaten that day? If you just said, "yes," then you've probably got a thing about responding vocally to posts on the TDC Website. But, in any case, if my rhetorical question applies to you, then you'd basically understand how Tyler feels right now. This past pre-Christmas weekend of seeing an innumerable amount of great friends, party-hopping between NoVA and the District Proper, skating like it's my job (because it is now, bitches!), drinking a good bit, and spending little time in my apartment left me with little time to work on any major updates, unfortunately. I have, however, been preparing the countdown of 3 best Christmas movies ever!

See, I figured we had to do something, it being the holiday season and all, and while we are respectful of all holidays, most of us at TDC either celebrate Christmas or enjoy something about it. At the very least, how could you dislike a holiday that has generated such an innumerable amount of unforgettable movies and TV Specials? Music, too, though most of that blows, except anything composed by Tchaikovsky or in short spurts for novelty purposes, The Vandals.

So, beginning tomorrow, we'll have the Top 3 Countdown, beginning with our #3 pick, and, provided it fits into the format, a citation of both notable mentions and overrated staples.

"Even though we're not gentile,
We'll get together for a while
To shoot the breeze,
and eat Chinese
Because it's Christmas Eve!"

- Krusty, Hyman, and the Hilarious Old 'Taquitos' Guy with one tooth in a moment from the most scattershot but brilliant Simpsons Christmas Special in years.