Hey gang, this is Tyler Richardson and I'm writing with a purpose for a change. I'm pretty excited cause I'm going to the Industry Room @ the New York Improv. Not a huge deal because all I had to do was make a phone call, but I am very nervous. Don't know if anyone out there has gone or knows someone who went. The only person that I've read of going was Jimmy Merritt who is also a local comedian. However, he does paid shows and I'm still timid about asking for time at open mics. I have to bring seven people and instead I'm bringing 4 and hoping to seduce some strangers inside with promises of punch and pie. So I look forward to scalping on Sunday.
So, in preparation for going I went to the Wiseacres comedy club open mic on Wednesday. It was pretty good. The audience was a very supportive group of comedians and six or seven wanderers. I think it was the most relaxed that I've ever been on stage. One thing that will suck is coming from the environment that has such friendly comics going to a place where you bring your fans and make them swear not to laugh at another comedian or they have no ride home. Another side note: There is a comedienne by the name of Laura Prangley that is quite funny. Maybe I see the same sick humor in her that I've worked so hard to achieve and it gives me a chubby. A metaphorical chubby. But wish me luck, I really don't expect for something spectacular although it could happen. Mostly, I am hoping for a positive reaction from a NY audience. If the booker was impressed along the way, FUCKIN AWESOME! But, I don't want to get ahead of myself. The next time you hear from me hopefully I won't have a gruesome story to share. Enjoy the next few days.

[transmission from: alex kain]

Most people in this world have a long-term goal that they consider to be 'their dream.' Some people want to have a family, others want to buy a boat and sail around the African coastline (hopefully getting their fill of sailing in before their lives are cut short by pirates). Yet others have even more ambitious long-term goals: I, for example, have an almost insatiable urge to bring a video game homage to classically animated films to the little screen. Peter Jackson wanted to do his King Kong remake since he was 9 years old.

These dreams are what make us strive to succeed. Without our dreams, we are doomed to forever roam the earth in search of low-paying IT jobs that are constantly lampooned in Dilbert. We are useless hunks of carbon matter that create no lasting effects on the world around us.

I, for one, know that TDC was founded on the idea of having fun, but that it was also founded because everybody in the group had a love of making goofy videos. As we grew, our skills evolved, and now we have branched off into our respective... er... branches... of talent.

Sometimes though, I ask myself what would have happened if TDC had been given a boatload of cash and we went ahead and made our movies without any regard for marketing, editing savvy, or knowing what the audience might want to see.

The conclusion, folks, is coming before I've even made my point: German director Uwe Boll (pronounced Ooh-Vay) is almost TDC-like in his filmmaking skills. The man is so sure of himself, so determined to get his creative vision out into the world, that it's kind of hard not to like him in the same sense we adore Peter Griffin and Homer Simpson for their ridiculousness. Watching an Uwe Boll movie can be likened almost entirely to watching the Hindenburg explode and then crash to the ground as Herbet Morrison shouts "Oh, the humanity!" It usually starts with promise - you think you're in for an ordinary ride. You see some characters, development ensues, but then something happens. You're not quite sure what - you were almost positive that everything was going to be routine. A spark ignites the hydrogen gas and the whole movie explodes.

It's a pretty vivid analogy, but let us review: To date, Uwe Boll has graced us with two major Hollywood-lite films. Before this, Boll was directing Super 8 films, similar in style to the films that TDC cranked out in its later, more professional years. TDC's "Easy Money" matches Boll's pre-Hollywood efforts quite well in terms of skill. The difference? There wasn't a TDC member over the age of 18 in that film. Boll directed his Super 8 films in his mid to late 20's, probably thinking he was some kind of avant-garde genius.

So, where was I? Oh yes, Boll's 'professional' films. All of them are based on video game properties, I should add. His past, present, and future films are all based on these games. His first film was based on Sega's popular "House of the Dead" arcade game. It involved two secret agents infiltrating a mad scientist's mansion laboratory. Things get shot.

The film is rather similar. Just replace "two secret agents" with "a bunch of teenagers, a crotchety old boat captain named 'Kirk', and (wait for it) a special forces commando." Now let's replace "a mad scientist" with "an undead Spanish pirate/scientist." Lastly, we can replace "mansion laboratory" with "a Sega-sponsored rave party on the Isle del Muerte." That's 'Island of Death' for all you kids that took Latin instead of French or Spanish.

Things are still shot. Oh yes. And there's even a sword battle at the end between the undead pirate scientist and the female protagonist. How does she know how to fight with a sword? Let's chalk it up to the wonderful foreshadowing done in the first minute of the movie: While the narrator introduces the main characters and it falls on the girl, the narrator says of her "She's some kind of Olympic fencing champion. I wonder when that might come in handy?" Seriously.

Anyway, let's move on to his next cinematic opus: Alone in the Dark. Based on the Atari/Darkworks horror game, the game stars a private detective named Ed Carnby who must investigate an island off the northeast coast after his partner is discovered dead on its shores. With him he brings a scientist, Aline Cedrac, who is sent along to investigate a series of ancient Native American tablets that may be related to Carnby's partner's death.

Now, Boll's masterpiece of cinema has a few key differences. First and foremost, Carnby is now played by a bedraggled Christian Slater, fresh out of the meat grinder, complete with a wife beater and a black trench coat. Aline Cedrac is now played by a thankfully sober Tara Reid. Of course, it really doesn't change anything - Tara's still as dumb as a brick. Even with those big thick-rimmed glasses she's wearing, she can't fool me. She's no scientist! She actually pronounces 'Newfoundland' as "New-FOUND-land." It's sad really - it shows that nobody cared enough to correct her on set.

So stuff happens in the movie, people die. Stephen Dorff, fresh out of the Blade flicks and looking for a way to ruin his career, leads a strike military squad called Section 13 that is apparently trained to fight evil demons, but gets torn apart by them while the inexperienced Tara Reid (and probably drunk Slater) survive all the way to the very end.

Boll's next film, due on the 6th of January (my birthday, believe it or not) is based on the Majesco game "Bloodrayne," which involves a vampire babe killing Nazis. The movie isn't really about that, though. It's more about Ben Kingsly looking ridiculously bald and Kristanna Loken as Bloodrayne (you'll remember her as the TX from Terminator 3... or not) making out with some other woman. Lesbian vampires. It's Boll's creative vision, so let's not insult it. But let's look at the facts - the man's skills are on par with our own TDC films - he just has lots of money.

But to call Uwe a true blue member of TDC wouldn't be appropriate. I mean, we really don't know him. Personally, however, I've struck up some conversation with him and found him to be a rather nice guy. My first e-mail was not exactly a flame mail - I merely informed Boll that his films were dragging video games back into the rut they had fallen into with Mortal Kombat - his ultraviolent renditions of games slipping into the mainstream media certainly don't help the cause of video gamers. I asked him if he might consider looking at the character development and relationships in his films over the insane violence.

To my infinite surprise, he responded. The very next day. He asked me what the great epic story was to House of the Dead, essentially egging me on and trying to get me to choke on my own argument. Well, unfortunately for him, I've played The House of the Dead and its sequels, and was prepared to write him a three page long response answering his question in as elaborate detail as the English language would allow.

Boll's response was to offer me the script for his "Dungeon Siege" film so I could look it over. He was very nice about it, but I've yet to see the script after almost a year of waiting.

Uwe Boll is being likened to Ed Wood in his pure, unadulterated ineptitude. That's a fair analogy, but Boll's movies are actually making profits. Despite terrible reviews, a definitely aware public, and this article, people are still going to see Uwe Boll movies.

Boll's movies are so bad they're good. You'll want to watch them with friends so you can laugh at them. On my birthday this year, all my friends and classmates will be going to see Boll's "Bloodrayne." The man himself sent me an e-mail telling me that "this birthday will be special"! I don't plan on letting him down.

In return for his generous gifts to cinema, I hereby grant Uwe Boll the status of "Honorary TDC Member." UWE BOLL APPROVES.

If the two-faced nature of this article confuses readers, let me make my position very clear: Uwe Boll has no directorial talent. He does, however, attack his films with verve unlike any director I've ever heard of. Is he well-meaning, or is it something more sinister? Either way, Uwe Boll is here to stay, and I intend to continue e-mailing him to find out more about his motives. If you don't hear back from me, assume the worst - that the Boll Trolls got me.

Alex out.

[transmission from: tyler sonnichsen]

Sorry, but I had to throw this in. I’ve never been driven as close to vomiting by an item at Best Buy as I was up in Tenleytown recently. I spotted something that looked like London Calling out the corner of my eye, and was disappointed enough in the first place to discover it was the soundtrack to the new Tony Hawk game that rips off The Clash cover. I groaned. Out of morbid curiosity, I turned it around, and I felt like I was prodding a dead body. You ever get that feeling? I’ve never actually prodded a dead body, but a sensation came over me when I saw the following track list that made me feel like being a dead body wouldn’t be a whole lot worse than living in a world where this is flying off the shelves at Best Buy. I had to give my take on a few of the tracks, each of which made me groan even louder. Thankfully, the store was closing and I had to get the hell out anyway.

1. Institutionalized - Senses Fail
Suicidal Tendencies were groundbreaking, loud as shit, and this song should never be covered, no matter how great it is. Odd how Mike Muir’s line “All I Wanted was a Pepsi! Just one Pepsi!!” ironically foreshadows the crass commercialism of most of the bands on this soundtrack.

2. Suburban Home/I Like Food - Taking Back Sunday
Alright, let’s get one thing straight. The Descendents were nerds. They were not cool, and didn’t try too hard to be cool. In retrospect, they were awesome. Taking Back Sunday are “cool,” and ultimately suck. Isn’t this socio-cultural paradox we all live in awesome?

3. Astro Zombies - My Chemical Romance
Shouldn’t you guys be avoiding all natural light and figuring out other ways to water down your sound? Don’t try blaming this one on Danzig’s batshit insanity. This makes me even feel bad for those little douchebags who walk around in Misfits T-Shirts but have no idea whatever for “Texas is the reason.” I've never even been there, but Lodi represent!

5. Sonic Reducer - Saves the Day
The Dead Boys came out in ’77 with an album called Young, Loud, and Snotty. Saves the Day are no longer young by American music standards (i.e. they are all at least twenty-two), gently poppy, and dimpled. I like Through Being Cool, though, I do.

6. Who Is Who - Dropkick Murphys
Boston and LA, other than a great basketball rivalry (…twenty years ago), have little more that they should be sharing. DKM need to do their own drunken, we’re Irish-Americans-who-care-more-about-Irishness-than-the-Irish-do thing, and leave the Adolescents alone. In my humble opinion, their s/t is the best album of punk that L.A. ever generated. The Ducky Boys never covered “Amoeba,” did they? They may have, I don’t know.

7. Seeing Red/Screaming at the Wall - Thrice
As someone who lives in the DC area, and was largely inspired to check out the city because of innovators like Ian MacKaye, I take this as a personal offense on my character and my family, especially my mom. She has no idea who Minor Threat were, but she does like to needlepoint.

10. Start Today - Fall Out Boy
This is the kind of thing that could conceivably drive even the quintessentially straight-edge CIV to drink. Well, this, and that stupid-ass “Sugar We’re Going Down” video.

12. Ever Fallen in Love- Thursday
Nice to see that Thursday are joining Pete Yorn in the Buzzcocks bastardization contest. Christ.

13. Let's Have a War - From Autumn to Ashes
This is an inversion of my other objections to this soundtrack, sort of. Fear were a passionately sexist, degenerate band that made some good songs but didn’t lend themselves to a ton of timeless credibility in the way that a lot of their friends in the LA scene did. From Autumn to Ashes are a fine band and all, so I’m still trying to figure out what the hell they’re doing on this holocaust of a collection in the first place.

And Tony Hawk, when you say you’re going to retire, it means you retire. Don’t get all Dominik Hasek on us and keep coming back. Your video games are a lot of fun, just don’t push it.