transmission from: [alex kain]

So hey, I’m sitting here, looking at my public speaking textbook, realizing that I probably should be studying for that final exam tomorrow morning.
So I will. See ya later.


But seriously, I’ve gotta get this off my chest before it bursts – all “Alien” style. On a side note, I think that’s why Alien III and IV didn’t do as well as Alien – because nothing burst out of people’s chests. Even if it did, it sucked. Aliens, the sequel, might not have featured such chest-bursting, but it did kill Paul Reiser, which equals a few chest-bursting scenes, in my humble opinion.
But isn’t it strange how no parent groups rallied against this constant chest bursting and Paul Reiser-killing? I recall that scene in “Alien” did for spaghetti what “Psycho” did for showers. Or something.

Violence has become one of the premiere hot-button issues in the world today. We’ve got violence in the media, violence in music, and my personal favorite, violence in video games.

Okay people, make good on your bets – you should’ve known that I’d start talking about video games eventually. I’m actually kind of proud of my segue. I hadn’t expected things to come full circle so quickly.

At the moment, in a nondescript courtroom in Alabama, the largest court case in the history of video gaming is proceeding. Strickland v Sony et al is going to decide the future of video games in our current political atmosphere. Let me sum up this case for all of you: An Alabama boy who had grown up in an abusive family was arrested by police one day for some lesser crime. Instead of going peacefully, the kid stole one of the police officer’s firearms when they arrived at the police station and proceeded to shoot and kill three officers before being subdued by the police. His defense? “The video games made me do it!”

Well hey, that didn’t work. He was sentenced to death in a courthouse earlier this year.

But now the families of the three officers are suing! Not only are they suing the killer’s family for every nickel they have (because execution is obviously no consolation), but they’re also suing Rockstar Games (who developed the infamous “Grand Theft Auto” games), Gamestop, Best Buy, Walmart (stores that sell video games), and Sony (who published the “Grand Theft Auto” games).

Well hey, that’s a brilliant strategy. So hey, when I get shot by a bank robber (and I have – thirty times. No joke. Except for what I just said) I’m not only going to sue the robber, but the gun manufacturer, the store that sold the gun, the ammunition manufacturer, the car dealer that sold him the getaway car, the toll booth operator who he paid to get into my local county, and the bank teller who gave him money. Heck, I’ll sue the bank, too. They’ve got plenty of money.

This case makes me sick on so many levels. The gamer within me knows – KNOWS – that “Grand Theft Auto” is not a ‘murder simulator’ as the plaintiffs argue. The general lines are: ‘These games teach kids to kill!’

They also teach kids how to drive on sidewalks, fly helicopters into power lines, and buy drugs! Just press the ‘X’ button for the first one, ‘L2’ for the second one, and ‘Circle’ for the third one! Of course, all of these in-game vehicles and objects will be color-coded for your convenience.

Ultimate in-game freedom as seen in the ‘GTA’ games has indeed resulted in some nasty scenarios. Yes, you can have sex with a prostitute and then kill her afterwards to get your money back. Yes, you can beat old ladies with a baseball bat. But you can also avoid these things entirely – you could drive ambulances to get injured folks to the hospital. You could commandeer a police car and take down criminals. You could actually halt traffic and help people cross the street!

But of course, this is all moot. Since I can press a few buttons and commit genocide in a cartoony digital environment, I’m obviously going to do it in real life. The sad thing is that there are only a few current generations who understand what’s really going on –

Video games are now inducted into the select society of media that the conservative public is scared of. Comics had communist undertones. Violent movies scarred children’s minds. Porno was indecent. Rap music incited violence. Rock and Roll made children swing their hips (apparently like the devil, because it’s called “The Devil Music” in far right circles to this day). And now, video games are getting their turn in the doghouse. It’s a matter of understanding – most people over the age of 30 simply do not get why people play video games. They fear what they do not understand, and so they attempt to regulate it within an inch of its life.

Despite the MPAA managing to get away without government interference on its rating system (the theater can’t fine you for fooling them into thinking you’re 17 when you go to see an ‘R’ rated film), state governments have recently attempted to reign in the gaming industry for fear that parents are too confused by the rating system used for games and are buying their underage children violent software.

Let’s compare, shall we?
Movies: G, PG, PG-13, R, NC-17
Games: E, E+10, T, M, AO

Well smack me silly and call me Georgia! If I’m not mistaken – there’s an age equivalent for every game rating in the U. S. of A. that matches with those used in films! All you’d have to do is sit down and figure out which is which, and then you’d be edumacated! You’d be able to make an informed opinion on what your child could and could not play.

The logical thing to do in this situation is obviously to make it illegal for an underage person to purchase a ‘violent’ video game. ‘Violent game’ can be defined as “[a] game in which the range of options available to a player includes killing, maiming, dismembering, or sexually assaulting an image of a human being.” In other words, under this law makes it illegal for stores to sell any video game where a human gets killed to a person under 18.

What? Isn’t that a little contradictory to our Freedom of Speech law? Oh wait, it’s not a law – it’s a Constitutional Right. Well hey, California’s adopted it. Their governor, the well-meaning Arnold Schwarzenegger, has never been in a violent movie where underage kids snuck in to see it. Nope. I should know – I didn’t see any when I saw True Lies when I was… oh, wait.

The lead prosecutor, a nut job named Jack Thompson (a little research will make you hate him instantly), recently removed himself from the case because he felt he was getting too much attention over their case. He obviously failed to see the connection between daily press releases to the public and media attention. He also was involved in a long-running tirade with comic strip “Penny Arcade” (www.penny-arcade.com) that saw Thompson become the laughing stock of the gaming world when he proposed that the ‘hypocritical’ gaming industry develop a game where the player must kill video game store employees and Rockstar executives. In return for the game’s creation, Thompson vowed to give $10,000 to charity. Penny Arcade’s retort? “If he actually gets this game made, wouldn’t he have to sue himself?”

The game was made, though, by a resourceful group of computer programmers. Thompson’s response? That his proposal was not real, and was only meant to be satire. Penny Arcade did not stand for this, though, as Hurricane Katrina had just struck and Wilma was approaching, and dangling money in front of charity was no laughing matter. Penny Arcade donated $10,000 of their own money to charity… in Jack Thompson’s name.

Thompson retaliated by demanding that the Seattle Police and FBI raid Penny Arcade’s offices. If you don’t hate this man by now, just do some more research on him. You’ll love him.

To summarize, I think it’s pretty obvious to the millions of people who play video games that “GTA” does not make you kill people. Of course, one rotten apple spoils the bunch. I’d just like to extend an incredibly sarcastic ‘thank you’ to the few irresponsible kids who blame video games for their own diminished mental capacity.